Losing My Religion (Or Something Close to That)

It has been bothering me for some time, this lack of compassion. Take for an example the event that took place this morning. I was on my way to work. Busway was usually the transportation method of choice. To reach my office, I had to cross the street by way of a crossing bridge which passes over the busway station. There, in the middle of the bridge, lay a woman holding her baby in one arm, with another arm spread out. She might be sleeping, she might not. The baby seemed to be sleeping. I hoped the baby was sleeping. I didn't know. I just walked pass with only a casual glance at the woman and (presumably) her baby. The thing was that I only took a casual glance (albeit with a little curiosity as to how a woman could be lying down in the middle of a crossing bridge with a baby in her arm). I didn't even stop to see whether she was still alive. I hope she was still alive. I didn't know whether it was because I was numb, but at the time, I didn't even care. I just wanted to get to the office. Am I losing my compassion?

Another example is about my servant at home. She'd been with us since before I was even born. She'd been with us even before my mother got married. She's practically my nurse when I was only a kid, before I hit the 9-year-old mark. Well, basically she's still my nurse even up until now (Yati, tuangin air panas buat mandi donk!). Lately, she's been complaining about chest pains. And yesterday, her feet were swollen. My mother thought that it might have something to do with her heart. When I heard this, I just took a casual interest. As if it was nothing. I know it was life threatening, but still, I didn't care more. I didn't ask my mom about what she's going to do about it. I know she's taking her to the doctor today, but I didn't inquire more about it. I didn't show a concerned face.

Should I care more? Have I become a heartless person (like what my mother said in our last (almost) big argument)? Have I finally given up on the world and all the things that are good in it? The thought scared me.

Or maybe I was just hoping that everything will just turn out okay. That there's nothing to worry or concern about. Maybe I was just pretending that everything's okay and will be okay.

I don't know. Seems like I'm just fooling myself.