Upside Down

Lilo and Stitch was playing when I went out and left two of my friends at the villa. I felt like I needed another walk. It was a fine day. A bit cloudy and there was a hint of rain in the air, but rays of sunshine still managed to slip pass the clouds high above in the sky. The air was cool, and only a light afternoon breeze was stirring in the air. It felt as if nature herself was beckoning me to go out and enjoy the weather and the view.

I put on my jogging shoes and walked down the front veranda of my friend's villa. I opened the wooden gate and started walking down the narrow asphalt road. Trees of many different kinds adorned the view around me. The theme was green, and it was a different kind of green. Different from the usual green you'd find on trees in cities. It was a 'healthier', more peaceful kind of green. I have always loved the view there around my friend's villa. It has a certain peaceful quality to it.

I walked toward a small hill not far from the villa. The asphalt road was narrow and winding. You could see the hill from the veranda of the villa. As I was walking, my mind was filled with the many thoughts, thoughts about my life and what I was doing with it, and what I would do with it in the future. Thoughts about the past, both pleasant and unpleasant.

I usually have my digital camera with me, to take pictures of the beautiful views. However, due to the minimal available space left in it, I decided otherwise. In any case, I had taken many shots during previous visits. Taking more would make no difference. And, as I was walking, I realized that there was always an urge within to show these pictures to other people, to let them know how beautiful the place was. However, it also dawned on me that it wouldn't be the same as enjoying the view together with someone right there and then. It was a quiet and silent day, and the silence only amplified my loneliness even more. Not even the immortalized view of the mountains could cure my loneliness. No, there was no use in bringing a camera. That day, I was loneliness itself.

To go up the hill one must went through a broken-down fence. There was a narrow dirt road on one side of the hill, with stones lodged in it serving as steps going up the hill. On some days there were people on top of the hill, kids playing with kites, running around on the level field on top of the hill or teenagers, just sitting down on the grass and enjoying the view. That day though, I was alone.

From the top of the hill, you could have quite a clear view of the villa and also a beautiful view of the surrounding vista. I spotted my friend at the veranda and I waved my hand at her. She also saw me, and waved back. I thought I saw her took a picture of me with her camera. After she went inside I sat down on the grass, drinking in and enjoying the view of the green landscape and the mountains in the distant.

After spending some time admiring the serene view, I laid down on the grass with my hands on the back of my head and my eyes looking, staring, at the clouds above...



...or below. It was a strange sensation, but a strange thought came into my mind. It was as if the ground was up and the clouds were below. It felt as if at anytime, I could fall down from the ground into the clouds. If felt as if, anytime, gravity could reverse itself and I would start falling down into the clouds, falling down into the unknown, falling down into infinity. I would keep falling, with no end in sight. I would keep falling, without any certainty of when it would end. I would keep falling into the clouds.

I started thinking, what is up, and what is down? Does the Almighty know of such concept? What was it like, being alone somewhere out there, without knowing the concept of up and down? What was it like, to exist without knowing any certainty where to go up and where to fall down, a concept that is so prevalent yet ignored in our daily lives? What was it like, to transcend the boundaries of space, and of time?

At that time, I felt the enormity, the vastness, of the universe. And I couldn't bear the burden, the weight, even if it was only in my mind. I tried standing up, and I felt scared. I felt scared, and alone.

I'd never felt fear like that in all my life.
I was never so scared.
I'd never felt loneliness like that in all my life.
I was never so alone.

My whole body felt weak, and I had trouble standing up straight. It felt as if I bore all the burden of the universe on my shoulders.

As I regained my composure, I tried looking up again. Standing. I still felt the fear. I still felt the weakness in every parts of my body. So I tried rooting down myself to the present 'reality'. I tried rooting down myself to the 'fact' that the ground was down beneath my feet and the sky and the clouds were up above my head. And as I tried doing so, I thought that maybe God is the loneliest being in the world.

In retrospect, I think that during that short moment, I had a glimpse of God's role as the creator. It felt quite difficult, that role. The burden of it was so hard. And the loneliness, unbearable. The thought saddened me.

I sat down again on the grassy hill, trying to enjoy the beautiful view again and, steeling myself, glanced up at the sky and the clouds now and then. Slowly, I felt as if I was one with nature. After some time I felt nature going silent, the birds and the crickets stopped singing, and there was only a light breeze in the air. Maybe it was my imagination, but I felt as if nature was whispering to me, urging me that it was time for me to return to the villa. Maybe it was in the dampness of the breeze that I sensed rain was coming.

I stood up and walked back to the villa. Rain came not long after I got back.