The Third Week...

Here I am, sitting in the same class, teaching the same training materials again. This second batch of trainees seemed smarter than the one that came before. Come to think of it, they might seemed smarter due to the smart ones daring to sit up front near me and asked a lot of questions that have some sizable chunk of brains in them. The smart ones from the previous batch sat in the back and rarely asked questions. But once they did, the questions were more precise. And when I really thought about it, maybe on average these two batches were almost identical. It was just that the smarter ones now sat up front and asked more questions. Exposure is important, I daresay.

Right now they were being given an evaluation form. It was some kind of a test. The answers were all in the hand-outs that were given them and they were allowed to look into their hand-outs. The questions were simple, but not downright dumb. This implies that I did not have to watch them all the time to find out whether or not someone was cheating. And for God’s sake they’re older than me. It seemed funny if I have to reprimand these…adults. To think that I was calling them adults…and to think that I was fast becoming one of their ranks…

What I was trying to say in the paragraph above was that right now I was using the opportunity to write another entry.

So…let’s talk about getting old. Once, when I was a kid, birthdays were a time of gifts, festivities, congratulatory mentions, and the occasional birthday accidents (small, day-to-day accidents that usually got accentuated during birthdays…you surely know what I mean of course? You don’t? Oh well just forget I said that). All in all, birthdays used to be a fun event that I look forward to every year. They still were during high school and college years. However, as I sat there waiting for the trainees to finish their evaluation and as my birthday was approaching; I feel that I wasn’t really looking forward to it.

What was there to celebrate, really? I almost lost contact with most of my friends and I rarely have time for my own private life thanks to the project I was currently in. Back then in my old office, I wouldn’t even think of going home later than 7 o’clock in the evening. I’d often think to myself that maybe that was the reason I did not succeed, because I did not give it my all. But I looked at the people working there, and I said to myself “That is not the kind of life I’d want to live.”

But there I was, working hard till late at night, staying out of town to give trainings to users. I was not saying that it was not exciting. I’d always wanted to teach, I feel and I know that I do have the potential. And getting people to understand, seeing their “A-ha!” faces as understanding begins to dawn on them gives me a kind of satisfaction that I truly enjoy. But the overload of work that I was currently in lessened that effect to only a margin.

True, the people I was working with were a whole lot nicer then the previous bunch I found in the old office. The pay was moderate, but I was beginning to feel that it would not be enough. But sometimes, nay, most of the time, you could not replace the kindness you give and receive with money. So in this regard I was quite thankful. And this environmental factor gave me an amount of intangible incentive in pushing myself to work harder and be better for the people working around me. But too much of a good thing is not good for the well being of both the mind and of the body.

I’m sounding like Olde Englishe here, aren’t I?

Anyways, balance was probably the issue here. I need to regain my personal life. It was true when one of my managers asked me whether or not the load of work was beginning to have an effect on us. It was. But at times, you could only think that, what else is there that I could do? Work was work, and someone has got to do it. In other words, I was numb. But I am whining now, aren’t I? I have a friend whose responsibilities far exceed mine, and he had to balance this with managing his spouse. He still managed to survive until now, and I must say that I salute him.

I still think that this may get way too much.

Ah, before I blabber on too much, I just want to say that my birthday seems gloomy. Getting older, the prospect of having to spend the day at Cibogo during D-day (while I should be spending it in Jakarta with loved ones), deprived of my personal life and personal rest and relaxation, these things could really make you down. And things are beginning to become more negative.

I heard someone’s saying “Don’t kill your self. Every cloud has a silver lining” in the audience…

Yes. Every cloud does have a silver lining. So, maybe later on good things will come out of this. At least I got the opportunity to teach, and the trainees were a great and friendly bunch. And ever since the day I gave training I was shielded from issues from the main office. I needed that. So, in the end I would like to say that I was thankful nonetheless.

And I need to regain contact with close friends, do things that are unrelated to work, enrich myself again. I need to change again. Like a caterpillar or a silkworm, I once again need to enclose myself in a cocoon of self-enrichment and self-fulfillment.

Hmmmm…

Don’t you think that this entry is too long for the purpose of explaining my disappointment at not being able to celebrate birthday at home?
With loved ones,
With friends,
With families…

I need to keep in touch with the gang again. Any of y’all read this entry and can feel me, shout out or give comments, okay.