Examinations


"How did it feel?"
"It hurt"
"How?"
"Like a knife through the heart."
"And right now?"
"Yes?"
"How do you feel right now?"
"I feel...nothing. I feel numb"
"Numb?"
"Yes, I feel numb."
"Do you need anything?"
"For what?"
"For the pain."
"I told you I don't feel anything. I'm numb."
"But you are still inflicted, you know. You just do not realize it. You are still inflicted."
"But I don't feel anything at all."
"So, do you need anything?"
"How is it that I need something while I don't feel anything at all?"
"Because you are still inflicted."
"How do I know what I need, if I don't feel like needing, if I don't feel anything at all?"
"I could help you on that. Tell me: why did it hurt?"
"Does it matter?"
"Do you think it matter?"
"Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know."
"Why do you not know?"
"Because I'm numb."
"But you are still inflicted. And I need to know: why did it hurt?"
"I don't remember."
"Try."
"Does it matter?"
"Maybe. Yes."
"I'll try."
"Please, go on."
"Be patient."
"I am. Time is on our side."
"If I remember it correctly, I think it was because of my mother."
"Your mother?"
"Yes, my mother. I think the pain started back then when I started antagonizing my mother."
"How?"
"We started disagreeing on certain matters."
"What matters?"
"Doesn't matter. It doesn't concern the pain."
"Then what does?"
"The fact that I had different opinions than my mother."
"How could it be so?"
"It was painful, knowing that the person you look up to your entire life had differing opinions than you. It was even more painful when she started getting angry at me because I didn't think the way she does."
"You are saying that your mother is responsible for the pain?"
"I don't know."
"What do you know?"
"That I'm not alwas in agreement to all of her opinions and actions. That I have my own opinions and decisions. That I am my own person. That I am not her, and.."
"And?"
"That I couldn't blame her for having her own opinions also. If I do, I would be just the same as her."
"Did you blame her?"
"Maybe I did. I couldn't remember. I couldn't remember how it felt back then."
"Why?"
"Because I'm numb right now."
"Is that really the reason why?"
"Does it matter?"
"Yes, it does. Maybe."
"Maybe because I don't want to remember."
"Remember?"
"The pain. I don't want to remember the pain."
"Did it hurt?"
"Like a knife through the heart."
"So, you do remember."
"You made me."
"Does it hurt now?"
"No. I told you, I'm numb."
"Right. How about your fathers?"
"What about my fathers?"
"You talked about your mother just now. I think it would be appropriate if you also talk about your fathers."
"You think so?"
"Maybe. Yes. Tell me about your fathers."
"They are people I couldn't look up to."
"Why do you say so?"
"I just know."
"How?"
"It's hard to explain. I just know."
"There must be some reasons. Try to remember."
"You are persistent."
"I have to. It is for your own good."
"Very well, I'll try."
"Try, then."
"Like I said, I just know. I could feel it. But it may also due to what my mother said about them."
"What did your mother say about them?"
"That they are not to be trusted."
"And you believed her?"
"Yes. I believed her."
"You look up to your mother, do you not?"
"Yes, I did."
"Not anymore?"
"Maybe I still do, a little."
"Knowing that your mother may have affected your judgement, do you still feel the same about your fathers?"
"I still do."
"Why?"
"Because I just can't. Because I just know."
"Know what?"
"That they are not to be trusted. That they are not people that I could look up to."
"How do you know?"
"I just know."
"Have you given them a chance to prove otherwise?"
"Otherwise?"
"That they could be trusted?"
"I haven't."
"Why?"
"Because I'm afraid."
"Afraid of what?"
"Afraid of the knife. The knife that has pierced my heart."
"So, you are not numb after all?"
"Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I just don't want to remember."
"Why?"
"Painful."
"So, you are blaming them for your pain?"
"I wish I could. But I know it would be wrong."
"Have you ever thought that maybe they have their own knives, stuck in their hearts?"
"Yes."
"Have you ever thought that maybe you drove your own knife into your own heart?"
"Maybe..."
"If they are not to blame, then where did the knife come from?"
"I don't know. All I know is that it hurt."
"Pain reminds us that we are still alive."
"I wish it doesn't have to be so."
"But that is the way it is."


"Tell me, could I let go of the knife?"
"Maybe. If you want to. But you do not. Not yet."
"Maybe. Not yet."
"One day, surely?"
"One day. I hope."


"So, do you need anything for the pain?"