Writing up this blog just to make sure that there's something inside me that hasn't gone insane.

Lessee....

My neck's been hurting like hell for quite some time. Well, it doesn't actually hurt, but it feels as if there's something stuck in the inside of my neck-part of the spine. Went to the doctor (after the urging of my mom). Got a shot in the back of my neck (the thought of taking a needle in the neck was frightening, but ya gotta face what ya gotta face, eh?). The doc said that there's some strained muscle in there. He gave me some muscle relaxant (hope this is the correct term).

I know why my neck hurts. It's stress and depression. Why? The break up, most likely. The fact that I have to start working on my thesis is most likely another culprit which contributed to this stupid there's-something-stuck-in-my-neck feeling. I'm officially hating my life and myself at the moment.

What else...

Mom went to Singapore yesterday. A friend of hers needs to check her stomach up. Not gonna go into details, but it sounded bad. Mom always loves Singapore. Her favorite city. So clean and so in order, that town. At least to her eyes. And the good thing is that her friend's paying for the tickets and accomodations. Too bad I can't come along. Not enough money (her friend would of course not pay for me). Though I kinda get the impression that that city-country's a bit boring, but at least it'll be a fresh change compared to ol' Jakarta. Well, all I could do was to tell her to get some hard-to-find books (at least in Jakarta they're hard to find) for me.

Hmmm, maybe I just didn't look hard enough.

Been raining cats and dogs all day. The back part of my house was starting to get flooded. The day has been black. As black as my mood lately. I would like to think that the weather was bad because of my mood, that somehow I have this inner power to control the weather according to my whims. That somehow the weather empathize with my feelings right now. But then again it would be selfish and egoistic, huh? But I would really like to think of it that way.

Stuck at home.

Can't go anywhere.

Last night I called three of my closest friends up. The first was my first ex. She is always nice to talk to. I told her about the break up. It surprised her, because it has been only a month since I started the relationship. I told her all about my reasons, while at the same time seeking justifications from her. Well, apparently she went through the same thing not long ago. In short, sometimes you just can't make yourself fall in love with someone, no matter how hard you try. I prefer not to start a relationship for the time being.
I asked her how she's doing with her boyfriend (who I introduced to her about 2 months ago, the dude's an okay guy and I like him). She said she's been doing okay. Which is great. If they got married, according to Moslem teaching, it would be the same as my having built a mosque in heaven.
I'm crossing my fingers.
Well, as always, it's nice to be talking to her. One of the few people to whom I could talk to seriously. And it's always fun talking to her. Girl, if you're reading this, I just want you to know how much you once meant in my life and how you will always continue to be so in my life. Thanks for being a part of my life so far. Best of luck.

The second person I called is a good buddy of mine. We've known each other since senior high. I didn't know him that well back then, but since we got into the same department in the same university, we became close. We got closer when he just broke up with his then-girlfriend (which was also a good friend of mine). Well, that story is a long one. In any case, I also told him bout the break up. He was also surprised (no surprise there, ha ha ha!). Well, he only listened, which is fine with me. He also told me that he's been doing smoothly with his girlfriend up until now. I know her well, and I like the girl. They both look good together, and they are good together. They fit each other nicely. And he said that everything is going so smoothly that it kinda scared him. To good to be true, said he. Hell, I said, that's good then. Just keep it that way, I told him. Who wants trouble anyways. It'll come in time, but for the time being just enjoy what he's got.

Oh yeah, he told me that he almost died the day before. He was in a taxi, it was raining hard. A big truck lost its traction and went slipping, almost hitting his taxi. Good thing the taxi driver got good reflexes and swerved to the left. The truck hit a lamp post, toppling it. It almost hit the taxi too. But it didn't. And my friend wasn't hurt. And that's what was important. His knees went weak when he got off the taxi.

The third person I called is also a very good buddy of mine. He was in a depressing mood (is being depressed 'IN' lately?). He said that he's short on money, and he hated it. It felt as if he's lost his pride because he got no money. He was afraid of having to depend on his parents. He was afraid of losing his freedom. He was afraid that he wouldn't be able to pay back the money he borrowed from his relative to start a business. He was afraid that the business won't work. He was afraid that he won't succeed in this life. He needed more money. He was afraid of being insignificant.

I told him I felt that way too when I lost my first job. How I felt robbed of my freedom when I lost that job. How I felt so depressed by the fact that I again have to depend on my parents for finance. I felt as if my arms and legs were being shackled. I felt as if I'd become a slave to my parents. I felt my pride being taken away from me. It was depressing.

But I told him that a man's pride isn't about having money. It's not about having a high-paying job. There's more to it than that. God, there has got to be more to it in life than just working your butt off for money. It is a sad thing when we put our freedom and pride in terms of how much money we have. And it's happening. It's happening. And it is affecting me.

My friend doesn't like office life. So do I. The only thing I could say to him is to keep dreaming and hoping and trying. Never give up dreaming. Never give up hoping. Never give up trying. Remember your dreams and hopes.

I also asked him to remind me of these things when I need reminding in the future.

Gong to Depok on Thursday to meet him. We'll try to have fun. Go out to Pondok Indah Mall or something. I don't know, just have fun.

Bro, if you're reading this, remember to never give up dreaming and hoping. At least that's what makes us humans. We're brothers, man.

Talking to my friends last night lifted my mood.

A bit.

I finally watched Reservoir Dogs. Very interesting movie. Quentin Tarantino really has some great talent in telling a story. The timelines in his movies are never in order, but it serve the purposes of those movies, which is to tell interesting stories with interestint characters with interesting dialogues. Can't wait to watch Kill Bill vol. 2.


It's been a black day, this wednesday. Raining all day.

I finally know the color of depression. People been saying that the color of depression is blue. No, it's not, at least to me. It's purple. And it's not that squishy, grapely, purple. It's that hard, diamond like, purple. And I feel that that purple diamond is somehow stuck inside the back of my neck.



Been listening to Linkin Park, 'Numb'. I'm numb, alright.



My brother is not home yet, the only source of 'light' in the house. At least he's not as moody as I am. And at least if he's around I'd have someone to talk to than my old faithful servant who couldn't seem stop the urge to scream her head off all the time (she could scream so loud that I swear to God every people in the houses on my street could hear her).

De, just come home quick.

Headache. I better get some medicine.

Bye blog.