Going Back...


It's amazing how jogging could really get rid of the things that are troubling my mind. But of course such benefit comes at a cost: the realization that my stamina is not what it used to be. Or maybe it's because I've been out of shape lately. I wish...

University of Indonesia, Depok campus, is a massive complex. The complex is circled with a ring road of about 4 km in circumverence. I used to be able to finish this circuit in about half an hour. But now it took me 45 minutes to do so. I really, really wish that it's just because of my being out of shape. God I hope so...I hate getting old.

Yes, I'm back at my old campus. I graduated in 2001. Depok is quite a nice place, at least it's a nice change from the busy life of Jakarta. I needed the change of environment, so with that in mind I packed my bag, brought along some clothes, a book (Marketing in Venus by Hermawan Kartajaya), and my jogging gears and off I went to Depok. Went to the train station and bought a 1500 rupiah one-way ticket to Depok. It was all nostalgic. I've been planning this since awhile back.

Except for one thing.

Nearing Cikini station, the train blared its horn several times. There was commotion up ahead. When we got to the train station, the train that was going the other way hadn't left the station. I smelled something similar to burnt rubber, and there was smoke. People were milling outside the train, looking up at the upper part of the train. I was thinking fire until someone was yelling something about electrocution. Some stupid fuckhead accidentally touched one of the electric post on the top of the train and got fried. So that smell was...

There were times when some teenagers, eager to prove how cool and brave they are, climbed to the top part of the train and sit there. Looked like this one didn't realize the danger of those electric posts.I didn't dare look. I have enough troubling nightmares already.

I won't forget that smell for the rest of my life.

Got to Depok, I didn't take one of the yellow buses that usually circle the complex. I was feeling nostalgic, so I walked about 2 km to where my friend was working. He worked at the faculty of engineering's (this faculty was where I studied Industrial engineering) master's degree program as a lecturer. I was to stay at his place tonight. He has a boarding room at Kukusan, a little village complex situated across the faculty (there are lots of boarding houses here). We met at his office, went to Pondok Indah Mall, had lunch, went to Depok Mall and played some arcade games. We had fun, simple fun. It was great and nostalgic.

Went back to his office around 5. I went to his place, changed into my jogging gears.

And now here I am, in his mostly-abandoned office, using his connection to the internet. Long live broadband! Ha ha ha!

Ouch, my legs hurt.


We Are God

It's amazing how we could come up with bizzare thoughts and ideas during a conversation. A friend of mine asked one of those philosophical questions: what is right and what is wrong? How do you know what's right is truly right and what's wrong is truly wrong? What is absolutely right and what is absolutely wrong? How do you know that the good things that you do are really good things? Selfless acts without any hidden agendas?

I like talking about these things. But at that time I was overwhelmed. I usually know what to say. But this is one of those questions that is not easy to answer (if there's any answer at all). All I could say is that it's not easy to know whether what someone did was for the sake of doing a good deed, without any hidden agendas. The only one who knows whether a deed was done based only on wanting to do what's right and good, for the sake of doing the deed itself, is the one who did it. All I could say is that one should listen to one's own conscience when deciding the right course of action.

But it is not easy to listen to it. Sometimes people do something because other people said that it was the 'right' thing to do, that it was the 'good' thing to do. But what does one own conscience told him to do? Conscience sometimes got lost in the middle of the commotion that was going on inside one's head. All the information, life experiences, family and society norms and values, that are running inside someone's head could easily mute conscience's voice, rendering it hard to hear.

My friend asked another question: if our personality, our deeds, are shaped by the environment around us, then who are we really? If our perception of good and bad, right and wrong, are shaped by what our family taught us, what our friends and peers told us, by what society norms and values dictate us, then who are we? He argued that there must be some basic building block that are not given or shaped by what we perceived from the external world.

Well, I said that when we came to the world, we were like blank papers, ready to be written. When the ink of life experience, information, norms and values, seeps into it, then it became a part of the paper. It shaped who we are right now. It's like Freud's id, ego, and superego theory. The id is the basic instinct that comes with each human being, superego is the external force that suppresses these instincts, and ego is our personality. Ego is the balance created by id's and superego's forces.

He then asked how then, do we come to know these basic building blocks? Is there any way for us to erase the ink and become once again the blank paper? I think that would be hard. Probably I would like to think of life as a journey. Probably when we came here into this world we were at point A. Then right now we are at point B. And life is a one way street, you can't look back. Probably life's journey will take us back from B to A again, but through a different road. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

My friend then wonder whether one could make an equation concering humans. An equation so complete that it could explain life. Einstein probably tried doing that, I said. That's probably why he came up with that relativity theory in the first place. My friend then stated that probably when one could come up with such equation, then one could become God.

I told him that we are God.

The evidence was abound, at least to me.

Give to the poor, and you give to God.

Care for the poor, and you care for God.

Neil Donald Walsch (who is famous for his 'Conversation with God' series) in his book 'Tomorrow's God' stated that God is not a being, a singular, a thing, the way we use to think it till now. But God is what we experience. Our life, our family, our society, our closest friends, our life experience, they all are God. The author then tells a story about a woman standing on a balcony one night. She was sad, and she was asking God to show some sign if He cares for her. Right then and there a star fell. The question is, did God made the star fall, or was the whole event, the whole experience, was God expressing itself? If you were the woman, would you perceive that as a Godly experience? If that is so, then God is not a singular being that we always perceived to be, living so far away, up there in the sky. God maybe looking right now through your friends' eyes, through your parents' eyes, God is maybe the world around us. This will bring us to the realization that even how people experience God is relative, all according to how they see themselves and the world.

If the world around you is a part of God, if you're friends are a part of God, if your collective life experience is a part of God, then it holds that we are a part of God too. And maybe right now we are speaking the words of God, no matter how 'bad' those words are!

If God is an experience relative to the mind and eye of the beholder, then religions would fall, because there would be no more 'us' and 'them'. No more 'right' and 'wrong'. No more use of categorizing, no more use of creating groups. Everything is relative. There would be no use for fighting, for war, just to prove who's 'right' and who's 'wrong'. Everyone will be the same AND unique at the same time.

The world is getting more interconnected, thanks to the advent of communication technology. It is now easier for us to experience each other. It is now easier for us to express ourselves. Distance is not a problem anymore. Information, ideas, thoughts, knowledge are easily transferred between human beings around the world. Hence, it is then easier for human beings to experience one another, and in the end, to experience 'God'. Just like cells that made up a human body that communicates with each other with relative ease, so it is now easy for us to communicate with each other, as cells that form God's body.

Probably one day when all humans are at peace, when all humans are accepting each other, when all humans are interconnected in a way that is unimaginable for us right now, then God would come to be, and Armageddon arrives. All parts of God's cells (human beings) become one. But for now, we are divided.

Notice too how science and technology are beginning to develop faster. And notice how communication is in the forefront of this development. It is a sign that human beings yearn to communicate with each other, to transfer information, ideas, thoughts, knowledge. It is a sign that God yearns for itself. It is a sign that God yearns to be.


'Ye shall be created in the image of Me' (well, I don't know the exact words, but you get the idea)

A small trivia: in the old testament, there are many instances when God refers to itself as 'us'


We are still divided. By religions. By nationality. By race. By culture. By language. Such is the seed that the devil (or whatever it is that people call it) has planted. The seed of division. It's like as if there's a force bent on keeping God's body (human beings) apart. Preventing the union of God (this is my body and my blood). Preventing the end of time. Preventing Armageddon.

Probably somehow, in God's divided body, a subconscious system was driving toward the unification of human beings, of the unification of God's body cells. And in its effort it gave birth to Jesus Christ, the famous Son of God. Christ teaches the lessons of love. Of acceptance. He has planted a seed that would one day bring human beings together. Uniting all of humanity.

Christ's teaching is like a seed of information planted, transfered from one cell (Christ) to other cells (other people). It was like a powerful signal from a single powerful nerve cell sending a signal to other cells of a body with the message of 'love' and 'acceptance' to initiate or accelerate the process of unification of God's body.

And give birth to God.

Probably, religion was also an effort to create a bigger category. One that lessen the divisions of human beings. Love is always the center of many religion teachings. But for right now, religions propagate division. Religions teaches differences. And somehow, politicians has been helping to prevent the unification by creating differences or widening the already existent gap of difference between nations, races, and religions in the world. Delaying doomsday. In my wildest imagination, probably the world leaders already know these things and afraid of the coming of doomsday, created more divisions to delay or prevent armageddon.

This might be categorize as blasphemy. But truth are often considered blasphemy. I'm not saying that the above are truth.

It's just a bizzare thought that came up during a bizzare conversation. It's a fragment of thoughts.

Gibberish.

And by the way, these thoughts are not all original. The unification of God (Deus) was also the theme for a game titled 'Xenogears'. I just realized the similarity in that game's theme and my thoughts after I'd finished my conversation with my friend.

Thanks, dude. It was inspiring.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow / Just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow / Just caught in the undertow)

I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow / Just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow / Just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

But I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

* I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be

Linkin Park, 'Numb'

Writing up this blog just to make sure that there's something inside me that hasn't gone insane.

Lessee....

My neck's been hurting like hell for quite some time. Well, it doesn't actually hurt, but it feels as if there's something stuck in the inside of my neck-part of the spine. Went to the doctor (after the urging of my mom). Got a shot in the back of my neck (the thought of taking a needle in the neck was frightening, but ya gotta face what ya gotta face, eh?). The doc said that there's some strained muscle in there. He gave me some muscle relaxant (hope this is the correct term).

I know why my neck hurts. It's stress and depression. Why? The break up, most likely. The fact that I have to start working on my thesis is most likely another culprit which contributed to this stupid there's-something-stuck-in-my-neck feeling. I'm officially hating my life and myself at the moment.

What else...

Mom went to Singapore yesterday. A friend of hers needs to check her stomach up. Not gonna go into details, but it sounded bad. Mom always loves Singapore. Her favorite city. So clean and so in order, that town. At least to her eyes. And the good thing is that her friend's paying for the tickets and accomodations. Too bad I can't come along. Not enough money (her friend would of course not pay for me). Though I kinda get the impression that that city-country's a bit boring, but at least it'll be a fresh change compared to ol' Jakarta. Well, all I could do was to tell her to get some hard-to-find books (at least in Jakarta they're hard to find) for me.

Hmmm, maybe I just didn't look hard enough.

Been raining cats and dogs all day. The back part of my house was starting to get flooded. The day has been black. As black as my mood lately. I would like to think that the weather was bad because of my mood, that somehow I have this inner power to control the weather according to my whims. That somehow the weather empathize with my feelings right now. But then again it would be selfish and egoistic, huh? But I would really like to think of it that way.

Stuck at home.

Can't go anywhere.

Last night I called three of my closest friends up. The first was my first ex. She is always nice to talk to. I told her about the break up. It surprised her, because it has been only a month since I started the relationship. I told her all about my reasons, while at the same time seeking justifications from her. Well, apparently she went through the same thing not long ago. In short, sometimes you just can't make yourself fall in love with someone, no matter how hard you try. I prefer not to start a relationship for the time being.
I asked her how she's doing with her boyfriend (who I introduced to her about 2 months ago, the dude's an okay guy and I like him). She said she's been doing okay. Which is great. If they got married, according to Moslem teaching, it would be the same as my having built a mosque in heaven.
I'm crossing my fingers.
Well, as always, it's nice to be talking to her. One of the few people to whom I could talk to seriously. And it's always fun talking to her. Girl, if you're reading this, I just want you to know how much you once meant in my life and how you will always continue to be so in my life. Thanks for being a part of my life so far. Best of luck.

The second person I called is a good buddy of mine. We've known each other since senior high. I didn't know him that well back then, but since we got into the same department in the same university, we became close. We got closer when he just broke up with his then-girlfriend (which was also a good friend of mine). Well, that story is a long one. In any case, I also told him bout the break up. He was also surprised (no surprise there, ha ha ha!). Well, he only listened, which is fine with me. He also told me that he's been doing smoothly with his girlfriend up until now. I know her well, and I like the girl. They both look good together, and they are good together. They fit each other nicely. And he said that everything is going so smoothly that it kinda scared him. To good to be true, said he. Hell, I said, that's good then. Just keep it that way, I told him. Who wants trouble anyways. It'll come in time, but for the time being just enjoy what he's got.

Oh yeah, he told me that he almost died the day before. He was in a taxi, it was raining hard. A big truck lost its traction and went slipping, almost hitting his taxi. Good thing the taxi driver got good reflexes and swerved to the left. The truck hit a lamp post, toppling it. It almost hit the taxi too. But it didn't. And my friend wasn't hurt. And that's what was important. His knees went weak when he got off the taxi.

The third person I called is also a very good buddy of mine. He was in a depressing mood (is being depressed 'IN' lately?). He said that he's short on money, and he hated it. It felt as if he's lost his pride because he got no money. He was afraid of having to depend on his parents. He was afraid of losing his freedom. He was afraid that he wouldn't be able to pay back the money he borrowed from his relative to start a business. He was afraid that the business won't work. He was afraid that he won't succeed in this life. He needed more money. He was afraid of being insignificant.

I told him I felt that way too when I lost my first job. How I felt robbed of my freedom when I lost that job. How I felt so depressed by the fact that I again have to depend on my parents for finance. I felt as if my arms and legs were being shackled. I felt as if I'd become a slave to my parents. I felt my pride being taken away from me. It was depressing.

But I told him that a man's pride isn't about having money. It's not about having a high-paying job. There's more to it than that. God, there has got to be more to it in life than just working your butt off for money. It is a sad thing when we put our freedom and pride in terms of how much money we have. And it's happening. It's happening. And it is affecting me.

My friend doesn't like office life. So do I. The only thing I could say to him is to keep dreaming and hoping and trying. Never give up dreaming. Never give up hoping. Never give up trying. Remember your dreams and hopes.

I also asked him to remind me of these things when I need reminding in the future.

Gong to Depok on Thursday to meet him. We'll try to have fun. Go out to Pondok Indah Mall or something. I don't know, just have fun.

Bro, if you're reading this, remember to never give up dreaming and hoping. At least that's what makes us humans. We're brothers, man.

Talking to my friends last night lifted my mood.

A bit.

I finally watched Reservoir Dogs. Very interesting movie. Quentin Tarantino really has some great talent in telling a story. The timelines in his movies are never in order, but it serve the purposes of those movies, which is to tell interesting stories with interestint characters with interesting dialogues. Can't wait to watch Kill Bill vol. 2.


It's been a black day, this wednesday. Raining all day.

I finally know the color of depression. People been saying that the color of depression is blue. No, it's not, at least to me. It's purple. And it's not that squishy, grapely, purple. It's that hard, diamond like, purple. And I feel that that purple diamond is somehow stuck inside the back of my neck.



Been listening to Linkin Park, 'Numb'. I'm numb, alright.



My brother is not home yet, the only source of 'light' in the house. At least he's not as moody as I am. And at least if he's around I'd have someone to talk to than my old faithful servant who couldn't seem stop the urge to scream her head off all the time (she could scream so loud that I swear to God every people in the houses on my street could hear her).

De, just come home quick.

Headache. I better get some medicine.

Bye blog.

Depression.

The world is spinning around me. Confusion comes and goes. Confusion becomes me. I am the very incarnation of confusion.

Colors blur and turn into nothingness. Nothingness springs into so many colors. Blur again. And then nothingness again. My eyes are blinding me. My eyes are blinding my thoughts. My eyes are fooling me. My eyes show me things I don't want to see right now: the world. This world. This mad, crazy, little world.

Food has no taste. My tongue has been overloaded with too many food. Or lack of it. I've been led to believe that my tongue is not there anymore. It doesn't let me taste the food I eat. It made me believe that I'm thirsty while I'm actually not. My tongue has deceived me. It says things that I don't want to say. It says things that hurts me. It says things that mocks me. It seduces me with empty words, with empty meanings. My tongue has deceived me. What are words? I have forgotten.

Sounds, are blurred. Blurry. Couldn't understand what I'm hearing. Couldn't understand what people are talking about. The sounds are making me numb. They are making me deaf. They are like music, music that kills. They are making me dead. They are making me insane. Music of death.

My skin, it's the color of death. No life. The very essence of death crawls on it. Numbing me to the senses. I have forgotten the feel of heat. Cold does not freeze me anymore. Smooth surface leaves scars on the skin, and rough surface heals it.

The world reeks of that distinct smell. That smell of decay. The smell not unlike the one in hospitals, that deathhouse. That smell of life ending. That smell of life turning into nothingness. That smell of futility, of eventuality. That smell of death.

I'm speaking incoherently. I'm speaking contradictions.

Somewhere inside me there's something waiting to burst into reality. Yet somehow, it's reluctant to do so. I feel a knot inside my chest. An itch so deep inside my chest that hands alone could not reach. An itch that hands alone could not scratch. A psychological itch. It feels like there's something stuck inside my chest. It makes me feel like I want to beat myself up, stab my chest, rip open my chest, my ribcage, and just let it all out, let that itch, that knot, that something stuck inside myself, go. I just want it to GO AWAY!!!!

I feel as if I have to crawl out of the caves in my mind just to understand reality. I feel like my consciousness has gone so deep into the crevices inside my soul that it has to find its way out. My soul has eaten me alive. It has caged my consciousness deep within its walls. Deep within its ominous fortress. Deep within death.

Boredom and depression. Depression and boredom. A deadly cycle. A bump in the road that you could not avoid. A part of life that you'll just have to accept.

Or is it really boredom? Is it really depression? Or am I suicidal? What are these things anyways? Words have no meaning anymore.

I'm just crying here. I'm just talking here. I'm just screaming here. I'm just being incoherent here. I just wish somebody, anybody, would listen and understand. Would they understand? What is understand? How does it feel to understand?

I just want my happiness, back.
Please come back.
I've forgotten how it feels to be happy.
What is happiness? Why should I long for it? Would I be happy if I'm happy?
Have I really been happy? When?
Should I be happy?
Will it make a difference?
Why should it be different....?




Am I......


Lost?


Am I.......


Irretrievable?


Insignificant?


Am I......


Dead?


Would be nice if I'm dead


Please, I need to know....


Would I really know?


Endless...........

Memang sudah lama aku tidak naik kereta api.

Pada sore hari itu kereta api tujuan Bogor-Jakarta kota tidak terlalu ramai. Saat itu memang belum waktunya orang pulang kerja. Lagipula tujuanku memang melawan arus. Di sore hari biasanya kereta api yang penuh adalah kereta api yang mengarah ke Bogor. Sedangkan keretaku mengarah ke stasiun Kota.

Banyak bangku yang kosong, tapi aku malas duduk. Biarkan saja orang yang lain yang duduk. Toh tidak lama lagi aku tiba di stasiun Mangga Besar, stasiun tujuanku. Sambil berdiri di dalam kereta api, pikiranku melayang memikirkan kondisi hidupku sekarang ini.

Hari-hari terakhir kuliah program magister manajemenku sudah habis. Yang perlu aku lakukan sekarang hanyalah untuk sesegera mungkin mendapatkan topik pembahasan thesis. Tak sabar rasanya untuk secepat mungkin lulus. Otakku sudah hampir 'habis' dipakai untuk belajar mata kuliah manajemen dan keuangan selama lebih dari 1 tahun.

Hari itu merupakan hari terakhir aku bertemu dengan beberapa rekan kampusku. Mereka pulang duluan sebelum aku. Sambil berjalan keluar aku memeriksa dompetku, apakah uang yang ada cukup buat naik taksi.

Dasar memang lagi apes.

Duitku tinggal 2 ribu rupiah. Seharusnya bisa aku pulang naik taksi dan membayar waktu tiba di rumah, tetapi aku pikir mungkin sesekali aku bisa berhemat dengan pulang naik kereta. Segera aku berjalan kaki keluar kampusku menuju ke stasiun Gondangdia yang letaknya tidak jauh dari kampusku.

Tersadar dari lamunanku, aku memeriksa tiket yang ada di kantong celanaku. Pemeriksaan tiket semakin ketat, berbeda dengan ketika aku masih kuliah di Depok. Dahulu petugas-petugas terkadang malas untuk memeriksa tiket para penumpang yang baru turun. Akupun dulu terkadang malas menyerahkan tiket, toh aku sudah mengeluarkan uang untuk membeli tiket tersebut. Harganyapun murah: tiket Depok-Mangga Besar hanya enam ratus rupiah saja. Walau demikian, masih ada juga orang yang tidak membeli tiket. Yah, pengamanannya kurang ketat. Mungkin pikir mereka buat apa beli tiket, toh tidak diperiksa. Kalaupun iya, itupun juga jarang terjadi. Yah, mungkin itu pikir mereka.

Itu dulu. Lain sekarang. Dari Gondangdia ke Mangga Besar saja harga tiketnya sudah seribu rupiah. Sudah pasti akan lebih mahal dari Depok ke Mangga Besar. Dan sekarang para petugas sangat ketat dalam memeriksa tiket para penumpang.

Tiketku masih ada. Amanlah aku.

Banyak yang mengatakan kalau naik kereta tidak aman. Beberapa temanku pernah menjadi korban pencurian di kereta api. Dompet dan telepon genggamku sudah kusimpan di tas ransel yang hari itu kubawa. Aku selalu melakukan hal ini setiap kali naik kereta. Sekali kejadian aku tidak membawa tas ransel sehingga dompet dan telepon genggam aku taruh di kantong celanaku. Hampir saja raib telepon genggamku. Tapi itu cerita lama dan untung saja waktu itu aku waspada.

Barang yang aku bawa naik kereta api dulu sewaktu kuliah lebih banyak dan lebih berat daripada yang kubawa sekarang ini. Aku pergi ke Depok setiap awal minggu membawa dua buah tas besar yang isinya pakaian dan perlengkapan kuliahku. Pada akhir minggu aku pun membawa kedua buah tas tersebut, tapi kali ini berisi pakaian kotor untuk dicuci di rumah. Aku tidak mau membiarkan pakaianku dicuci oleh orang-orang kost. Ingin tertawa rasanya mengingat masa lalu, waktu itu setiap akhir minggu aku serasa pulang kampung menggotong-gotong 2 tas yang besar.

Kereta api mulai mengurangi kecepatannya. Kembali lagi aku tersadar dari lamunanku. Kereta terkadang berhenti ketika mendekati stasiun Gambir, memberikan jalan bagi kereta-kereta yang hendak menuju ke luar kota. Dan tampaknya kali ini kereta yang kutumpangi juga demikian. Aku menuju ke pintu kereta yang selalu terbuka lebar, mengintip ke arah depan sambil berharap agar kereta segera berjalan kembali. Mobil-mobil di bawah jalur kereta sibuk berlalu-lalang, pengemudinya tertelan kesibukan sehari-hari. Matahari yang semakin condong ke barat menunjukkan sore akan segera menjelang.

Penjaja berbagai macam makanan, minuman dan barang berlalu lalang di dalam gerbongku. Banyak macam barang yang dijual di dalam kereta api, dari bolpen sampai buku resep makanan. Dengan harga miring pula. Aku sendiri terkadang suka membeli barang jajaan yang dijual di kereta. Ada beberapa kali aku membeli permen jahe yang biasanya suka dijajakan oleh ibu-ibu tua. Sesekali waktu aku membeli minum untuk memuaskan dahaga oleh karena panjangnya perjalan dari Depok ke Mangga Besar (yang biasanya memakan waktu antara empat puluh lima menit hingga satu setengah jam). Ada seorang temanku yang sesekali waktu membeli bolpen di kereta, aku lupa apakah karena ia lupa membawa atau kehilangan bolpen miliknya.

Banyak pula pengamen dan pengemis di dalam kereta. Begitu seringnya aku naik kereta sewaktu kuliah hampir aku hafal semua pengamen, pengemis, dan pemohon dana untuk pembangunan bangunan ibadah. Waktu itu aku sampai hafal RT, RW, kelurahan, kecamatan, kabupaten lokasi dari sebuah masjid yang panitia pembangunannya dengan gigihnya meminta bantuan dana dari para penumpang kereta. Sampai suatu saat mereka tidak pernah kelihatan lagi. Semoga mereka sukses membangun rumah ibadat yang mereka impikan.

Aku sering merelakan uang recehku kepada para pengamen, apalagi kalau nyanyian mereka bagus dan bukan sekedar teriakan tak bernada. Ada sekali waktu sekelompok pengamen bernyanyi dengan sangat bagus. Mereka menggunakan biola, gitar, dan gentong aqua galonan sebagai instrumen mereka. Lead singers-nya adalah 2 orang gadis. Suara mereka sangat bagus. Kalau dilihat dari gelagatnya mereka mengamen untuk mengumpulkan dana untuk kegiatan keagamaan. Aku lima ribu rupiah lebih miskin hari itu.

Memang banyak macam orang yang bisa ditemui waktu naik kereta api Jakarta-Bogor.

Tak lama kereta berjalan kembali. Semakin dekat aku ke stasiun tujuanku, Mangga Besar. Sekali lagi aku mendekatkan diri ke pintu kereta. Dengan satu tangan memegang railing yang ada di atas pintu, aku sedikit mencondongkan kepalaku keluar pintu kereta. Aku senang merasakan angin menerpa wajah dan rambutku. Ada sedikit ketenangan kudapatkan di bisikan angin.

Tentu saja aku berhati-hati melakukan ini, aku tak mau terjatuh dari kereta ke aspal yang jauhnya 15 meter (mungkin lebih) di bawah. Pengalaman pertamaku naik kereta diwarnai dengan masalah 'jatuh'. Waktu itu aku dalam perjalan pulang dari kegiatan bakti sosial yang diadakan kampusku. Aku dan teman-teman kampusku waktu salah 'memposisikan' diri di dalam kereta yang sedang penuh dengan penumpang. Setibanya di stasiun Depok kita tidak cukup cepat menuju ke pintu sehingga setibanya di mulut pintu kereta sudah melaju agak cepat. Akhirnya aku melompat dan jatuh terduduk di peron stasiun. Tak lama setelah itu, seorang temanku yang terakhir turun dari kereta setelah aku juga jatuh terduduk di peron dengan posisi yang sama persis seperti aku. Teman-temanku yang lain tertawa. Untung kita tidak terluka sedikit pun, hanya sedikit malu. Yah, tak apalah menghibur teman-teman sesekali.

Tibalah di stasiun Mangga Besar. Segera aku menapakkan kaki di peron ketika laju kereta sudah cukup pelan. Aku memutuskan untuk jalan kaki ke rumah. Toh jarak stasiun ke rumahku hanya kurang lebih 1 km (aku juga sudah apes hari itu). Mungkin karena sudah lama tidak menyiksa tubuh dengan olah raga rutin setibanya aku di rumah peluh membasahi tubuh. Matahari sore tampaknya juga masih bersemangat memancarkan panas yang cukup sehingga pengap rasanya.

Pulas diriku tertidur tak lama setelah aku mandi. Aku tidak mimpi kereta api waktu itu. Andaikan iya...

(NB: ibuku bilang sewaktu aku kecil aku suka sekali kereta api sehingga ia pernah membuat sebuah kue ulang tahun besar dengan hiasan kereta api di atasnya).

Tulisan ini didedikasikan bagi mereka yang pernah merasakan suka dukanya naik kereta api Jakarta-Bogor. Semoga lebih banyak suka daripada dukanya.

What's up?

Been a long time since my last update (I think it was last Sunday). So, what's been transpiring since last Monday, you asked? Well, since there weren't much thing happening, guess it's safe to give a sum of all the things I did since Monday up till now.

Monday: went to the campus, submit my assignment paper for PTM. Browsed awhile, checked my grades (got A- for 3 subjects, not bad) I think I started playing Splinter Cell right about this day. Finished Onimusha 2. Ending's not bad. Can't wait to play the third installment.

Tuesday: Went to Mangga Dua. Got myself 2 DVDs: Linkin Park Live in Texas, Moulin Rouge. Music CD: Norah Jones: Feels Like Home, and Romance 9 PS2 game. Linkin Park Live in Texas rocks! So does Moulin Rouge

Wednesday: went to Plaza Senayan with mom. Had lunch, ice cream, a book and a magazine. Went to the supermarket too. Too bad Mom didn't get what she was looking for. Well, it was there, but there were some problems.

Thursday: went to LIPI, turned out it was closed. They're always close on the 1st of every month. Went to IPMI instead. Got lots of finance journals. Waste a lot of money on that too. Had lunch in Lembang, browsed a bit at the campus, then went home by train. Very tired, took a bath, went to bed and got myself one of the best sleep I ever had for the last month.

That's it. Ha ha ha, been lazy lately. Nothing much happening.