A Tragedy

It was horrifying looking at those casualty numbers going ever higher. Didn't realize at first that it was that bad.

May God bless all those who suffer because of the tragedy.

For Mas Rusdi, Mbak Cici and Fia, I could only pray that your lost relatives could be found. May God give you strength.

A Realization

The more I write, the more I realize that words just couldn't describe the things that I intended to to describe.

How do you describe love?
How do you describe disappointment?
How do you describe contentment?

And how do you find the right words to describe how it feels when you're experiencing all three at the same time? No matter how much words are put into writing, they still wouldn't be able to describe the texture of the moment; the way the heart beats; how life seems to focus on one thing and one thing only.

Love, disappointment and contentment. All at the same time.

I don't even know whether 'love', 'disappointment', and 'contentment' are the right words to describe the feelings. Maybe I chose to give those feelings these names. These labels.

I don't know.

But I will keep on writing. Even when I couldn't find the right words, I will keep on writing. Even if I couldn't find the right names, I will keep on writing. Even if I couldn't find the right feelings, I will keep on writing.

It is one of my 'happiness'.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, all you people out there.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom

Well, I just couldn't let mother's day pass without giving some kind of comment on it. Especially since my mom's one of the most important person in my life.

So, here I am, writing something up.

I'll be brief. Mom, I love you and admire you. If I were in your shoes and went through the hell that you went through, I might not have made it out alive. You're one tough woman, and I raise my hat in honor of you.

Once, I put you second to God. For I have no other guide at that time besides you. I'm sorry for giving you so heavy a burden. After all, you're only human.

And I have paid dearly for that. With my disappointment.

Forgive me mom, for expecting too much out of you. Now, the person second to God is myself. You're in third. But that's only numbers. And you're still my mother. And that's saying a lot.

Give me some more time to be able to change how I see you. To get over my expectations of you. To accept you just the way you are.

I still love you and respect you. In that respect, nothing has changed. You're one tough mother. And you deserve better things in life. I hope that in time, you will get those things.

No matter what the Catholic Church think about you, excommunication does not represent God's will. It's just rule. God bless you, mother. I'm very sure of it. Even if the Catholic Church doesn't think so. You have the body of Christ and the blood of Christ runs through it. Don't listen to those priests who only knows about rules of the world, for the heart and soul know no such rules.

May God help free you from the burden of your past.

I am not a perfect son. I still have fear of ending up just like your husbands. I could only hope that I could be a better man than them. For you, but importantly for myself.

So, happy mother's day, dear mom. God bless you, for sure.

Looks like it's not as brief as I thought it would be.

Musings

I went through my blog list, the writings I've published so far in this site. I just realized something: I talked too much.

I put in too much details. Hours, minutes, little things that in the end don't matter. Probably I was just showing off, about how I could remember little details. Probably I just wanted to remember all those memories. To cling on to them. To make them eternal.

But, no matter how hard I try, they all slipped off my grasp. Carried away like falling leaves blown by the wind. The more I try to cling on to eternity, the more elusive it becomes.

What am I without my memories? Who am I without memories? And yet all the memories are slipping away from me.

Write all I could, but no words could really describe the memories. How exhilirating it was when the wind caress my face. How soothing a mother's lullaby was. How fast was my heart beat when I taste my first kiss. How torn apart my heart was when my lover told me it's all over. How excited I was when I found out about one of the biggest secrets in my life.

None of these words could describe the memories. Will the memories stay with me? And will people keep their memories of me? Did I mean anything to them?

It was just musings. Nothing important. At least I got something to write.

And yes, I still talk too much.

Songs I've Been Listening To

1. 'Paper Moon', Ella Fitzgerald (thanks to verypurpleperson's blog I got hooked to this song)
2. 'Addicted to You', Utada Hikaru (My favourite Japanese singer)
3. 'Lucy's', Mindi Abair (Easy Jazz, damn I like 'em!)
4. 'Flirt', Mindi Abair (detecting a pattern?)
5. 'Toxic', Britney Spears (you go, slutty!)
6. 'Extreme Ways', Moby (Bourne Identity and Bourne Supremacy)

This list will always be updated on a frequent basis.

A Man from the Past

Woke up at my friend's house. The time was around 9.30. I was supposed to go to my campus to take care of graduation matters. And there's another appointment that I wasn't exactly looking forward to. Meeting up with my biological father. He wanted to treat me for my birthday.

The handphone was ringing when I woke up. It was him. He called to ask whether or not we're meeting that day. I told him that it was on (can't say no, don't wanna run away from him). Oh yeah, he called me a lazy bum for waking up so late. Ha ha ha, so what? I just passed my final exam. I think being lazy is a luxury I could afford for now. He was just joking. It was kinda strange, joking with him. Yet it felt natural too.

We decided to meet up at Plaza Senayan. Easier for me and him too.

I went home first since there were things that I have to submit for my graduation. Came a bit late to Plaza Senayan (I promised to be there at 1 in the afternoon, got there around 1.45).

The thing was that I wasn't looking forward to meeting up with him. What was I supposed to say to him? 'Hi, how are you? How's work? How's Wanda? She doing okay? How's Auntie Nona? Still in contact with her?' I don't know. I felt that it was going to be awkward talking to someone so familiar and yet so distant at the same time. And another thing was that my mom warned me to be careful with him. He may wanted to use me for his own end.


'Why now, after all this time? Why now, when you're about to graduate from UI? I think it's because soon you'll be making money, and money is what he always need.'


I wish I could just run away. And I almost did.

For some reason, my handphone's signal at that time suddenly turned very bad. Actually, it wasn't picking up any. Tried turning it off and turning it on again. Tried pulling out the SIM card and putting it in again. Didn't work. I couldn't contact my dad. And I thought that it's gonna be hard trying to find him without my cellphone working. Maybe the network was busted? I don't know.

I thought that it was a sign for me to give up looking for my dad that Friday. I thought maybe it was a sign telling me that I wasn't meant to meet up with my real father that day. I thought that maybe it was a good excuse for me to run away from the meeting.

And I did give it up for awhile. What I did? I went to Johnny Andrean to get a hair cut. It was nice, being massaged in the head. And a new hair cut, it made me feel good. It's been more than a month since my last hair cut.

Almost went home, but for some reason I felt that I should give it a try again. My cell still wasn't picking up any signal. I had no idea how I could find him in a place as big as Plaza Senayan. But for some reason, I kept trying to look for him. Eventhough I didn't want to.

Maybe it was logical thinking. Maybe it was pure hunch. But I thought that since we were meeting for lunch, he might be looking for me around restaurant areas. And the most obvious place was food court. I went there. He wasn't there. I wanted to walk away, look at other areas, probably went straight home and give it up. But still I waited in front of the food court.

A young man came up to me (well, he looked young) and asked whether he could borrow my cell for awhile. I told him I'd like to, but I wasn't picking up any signal. I showed him my cell and it was still not picking up any signal. He said that he was meeting up with someone but his cell ran out of juice and he couldn't make any calls to that person. I told him that I was meeting up with someone too and I also couldn't make any phone calls. He introduced his name to me (Boy) and I introduced mine to him. He said he's meeting his client (a bit strange, since he was dressed like an ABG), and I told him that I'm meeting up with Dad and that he's outside of town a lot (a bit of white lie).

And just like that, I saw my dad walking in front of me.

'I could do some telepathy, but only to your father. Once we were at Hai Lai's grand opening, your dad went to the front desk to choose a door prize number. I told him to pick up a certain number. He went to the front desk and soon was lost among the crowd. At that moment I suddenly had a strong hunch that I should choose a different number. I wanted to run to your father and told him to change his number, but I couldn't find him among the crowd. You know what I did? I tried telepathy. I whispered in my mind the number over and over again. Not long after that, your father returned and I asked him, what number he chose. He told my mother that for some reason, he heard someone whispered to him to change the number. And he did. And the number was exactly the same number as the number that came up in my hunch. And we won the door prize. That was one occasion. The other occasion was when one day I got a fever. During the night I tried telepathy again, you know, just for fun. I whispered that I was sick and I told your father to come in the morning. He did. When my mother asked how he knew I was sick, he told her that someone whispered to him during the night.'


I bid good bye to Boy and called my dad. Seemed like I couldn't run away anymore.

Maybe I really wanted to see him afterall.
Me and my eternal search for a father figure


'Tell your son, that he will never find his father in this world. He belongs to God. God is his father. You will also have to give him up to God.'


So, we had lunch at Kiyadon. And I did ask all those stupid (well, maybe not so stupid) questions.
My stepsister's doing fine at Electrical Engineering Department in Gadjah Mada University.
Dad hasn't been in contact with Tante Nona, my stepmother and his soon-to-be ex-wife.
Work was fine. Been getting a lot of orders and projects.

And he also asked a couple of questions.
Any girlfriends (none)
What to do next after graduation (get a job)
What kind of job (not banking, for sure, maybe become a teacher/docent)

We had a good chat. He gave me a million as a birthday present. Hey, I could use some money. But of course it made me feel awkward.

'Do you think he could read my mind?'


He went back to his office after the lunch. I went back home. It may seem like nothing, but to me facing him is something that I need to do. After all, he played a part in bringing me here to this world. I'm not running away. My mother can't protect me forever and I have to learn to face him.

I just hope that he's a better person now.

'His father is not of this world.'

My father uses the same network as I do (Satelindo). And there was nothing wrong with the signal on his cell during the lunch (I saw his cell and the signal meter was full). My cell picked up signal again after the lunch, when I got out of Plaza Senayan.

It's My Birthday!! Yay!!

Well, I'm back in Jakarta again. Jakarta and its hectic pace of living. Jakarta and its traffic jam. Jakarta and its night life. Jakarta and my friends.

And it's also my birthday. My passing the thesis hearing made for a very good birthday present. And staying in Jogja for more than a week was a badly needed holiday. In that case, any chance of leaving Jakarta for awhile that I could get my hands on, I'll take it. And it was worth it, as always.

I love my birthday. Especially when friends remember it. All those sms and e-mails and phone calls, make me feel like all the attention is on me. Me and my narcissistic tendencies, huh? Whatever, I know I feel happy (if it is happiness). Let's just keep it at that.

Guess I could only hope that things stay the same in the coming years (small chance at that, knowing how life keeps throwing shit at you).

So, is it all sunshine today? (12 minutes before my birthday's over)

Guess not. I still remember that I turned down a chance to go to Solo to meet up with my stepdad there. To try and get to know him better. To be on speaking term with him. To try and give him a chance to prove himself. He's giving a seminar/training there. He wanted me to go and meet him there. I cancelled.

Why?

Maybe because I was so damn tired that the thought of taking a taxi or a train from Jogja to Solo was such a bother.

Maybe because my stepfather's not a fun person to be with, because he's all serious and shit.

Maybe because my stepfather's planning on taking me to Semarang and Banjarnegara (his hometown) and I just didn't feel like it. Especially meeting up with his siblings. Not exactly a prospect I'm looking forward to.

Maybe because I just want to spend my birthday in Jakarta with my friends.

Maybe I don't wanna spend more money for travelling expenses (but it's not my money anyway)

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I'm just scared of giving him my trust and getting hurt again in the end.

My father called me earlier today. He told me happy birthday and ask whether I'm free on Friday. He asked me to go to lunch with him and asked where to pick me up. He asked me to confirm the place.

Another thing I'm not exactly looking forward to.

But I know I gotta make my peace with these individuals. Soon, before they die of old age. Because I know I'm going to regret it if I don't make peace with them. If I don't try and give them a chance to prove themselves. If I don't give a chance for myself to get to know these people and try to forgive them. Because I know I'm no better than them. Becasuse one day, I'll be in their shoes.

Karma, I guess.

So, my birthday was great (it's 0:08, December 15th, not my birthday anymore shucks). I'm reminded that I still have great friends (with or without benefits he he he) in the present and that it's all I have for now and that it's enough. Guys, thanks for all the sms and e-mails and the phone calls.

I still have my parents, though they're not perfect (mom, thanks for all the love and the money too hahaha c'mon I'm just joking mom, ya know I love ya dearly). Oh yeah, thanks for the things you brought for me from Singapore.

I have a new academic degree (makes my name longer, at the VERY least).

I had more than I could handle for my dinner (bro, sorry if I only ate half of that noodle that you bought, not that I didn't appreciate it, my tummy's too full for it).

I have two bastards for fathers but hey, I'm a bastard myself so who am I to judge them eh?

I'm still single and enjoying it (but it gets kinda lonely at times).

And I have a twisted life story that maybe one day I could exploit for personal benefit he he he.

In any case, happy birthday to me. May karma hit me one day and teach me humility, if there's such a thing.

Credits and Acknowledgements

At long last, my thesis is done. It's only been a day since the hearing and I already forgot the title of my own thesis (insert laugh and snigger here). However, no man is an island (some would argue strongly on that). And I wouldn't have passed this milestone without the help of so many individuals. In this light, I would like to extend my thanks to all those who have helped me along the way.

It is strange how a milestone like this could make someone rethink about all the things in his life.

First of all, thanks to Mr. Agus Sartono for all his help and advices during the thesis development. Although I was in Jakarta during the research and he in Jogja, and although most of our communications were done through e-mails, he has done all his duty as a advisor without fail. So, once again, thank you for all the time and effort.

I would also like to thank Mr. Mamduh Hanafi, for being the 'inquisitor' during the hearing. Thank you so much for your endless questions during the hearing, and thank you for your little smile (it helped a bit, since you were quite expressionless during the hearing, something that could make me nervous). At least you showed a hint of emotion on that blank face of yours. And of course, thanks for the A.

Dad, thanks for all the support. I know you're the quiet type and would only ask passing questions, but still I know you do care, somehow (I hope).

Mom, can't thank you enough. Well, you know, for all the questions, yelling at each other, slappings (you didn't get me the last time though, since I blocked your hand ha ha ha), comparing me to other people's sons, reminding me to finish my thesis as soon as possible and get a job you unthankful son. (I sort of guessed that you would trade me for Delon without thinking if there's a chance to do so, but I'm just being cynical).
Hey, I know you didn't mean it. You were frustrated at the time. Nobody's perfect. I'd probably be doing the same thing too one day with my children (hopefully not). And considering the things you've sacrificed, I am thankful. Nobody I know went through the hardship that you've been going through all your life. You deserve a better life, all you have to do is go out and try get it.

Something that I have to do myself in the near future.

In any case, mom, you're the one person that once I considered second to God (not sure about now). So, thank you for...everything, I guess. I love you and hate you (only sometimes). You're the mom that I think everyone should have. Have fun in Singapore, mom!

To my brother, Aditya Andika, thank you so much for all the support and of course your help on statistical matters for the thesis. Hey, we may only be half-related, but you're my brother and that's that. You're a good friend. I may not know much about you, since there's some side to you that I haven't figured out yet, but still I'm more than thankful that you're there as my younger brother. Thanks for putting up with me and all my acts up until now. Hope I've been a good brother to you.

I would also like to thank Jemmy Gemilang Subuh, M. Rushdy Natsir, and Ekasari Sunarti. The three of them have helped in giving me ideas concerning the topic of my thesis. I wouldn't have come up with VaR if I hadn't been asking you guys. So, the thesis is also about you guys and how you've offered so many help in how to do the research. Thanks also in particular to Rushdy for his help in explaining to me how to the calculations. The copy-paste phase of the research was a pain in the ass, but it's all downhill from there.

It was nice that I wasn't the only one having to go through the hearing on that day. So, I would like to thank Ekasari Sunarti and Asik Dermawan for the company. We were a nervous wreck that day, but we got through and that's cool. Thanks for the support and the effort to calm each other down.

To Alfia Azhabur Rizal and Erma Afriza Indriana, thanks for the company during the waiting time before our hearing and thanks for being there during the hearing. You made the waiting a bit easier. Thanks for being our drivers too. Jeng Riza, good luck on your hearing on Friday. I'll be there.

Thanks also to people from the Academic Affair, especially to Mas Eno, Mas Tata and Mbak Eti. You all have been very helpful and cooperative, something that I didn't expect out of administration people. I was wrong. I salute you and all the people in MMUGM for being helpful and service-minded, something that is very rare from where I came from (read: Indonesia).

To Aryono Trihananto, thanks for reminding me that I have a thesis to finish. Good luck for your hearing. You'll make it, trust me. And, thanks for being a very good friend. You have a big heart (no, I'm not reffering to your 'unusual' size).

To Suhendra Prawira Tanuwijaya, thanks a lot buddy for everything. Thanks for the villa in Puncak, thanks for all the support, thanks for being a good buddy, thanks for the understanding, thanks for all the 'celaan', thanks for hangin' out with me. Well, in short, thanks for being one of ma' main man and mind you that's saying a lot. You're gangsta, homes!

Michael Sidartawan, thank you also for your support. Thanks for listening to all my whinings and thanks for confiding in me. No one could ask for a better buddy than you, man. Hopefully my mom gets that hat you've been wanting in Singapore.

To Sylvia Widjayasaputra, thanks for being a good friend, girl. I hope everything goes well between you and Hendra.

To Regie and Dipo, thanks for always playing host whenever I went to Jogja. Regie, thanks for letting me stay in your room the last time I was here. That means a lot.

Nashir, thanks a lot. It's an unfortunate thing that happened to you. But you'll get through it somehow. Lemme know if you need any help from me, okay? Good luck with your next hearing, man.

My friends from MMUGM: Titot, Mas Asik, Mas Rully, Mas Rusdy, Mas Suryo, Iqbal, Dhani, Miki, Cici, Tommy, Ardian, Melly, Febi, Nashir, Shanti, Eka, Dipo, Regie, Jay, Nina, Yulia, Nora, Coki, Mas Iman, Mas Denny, Dewi, Woro, thank you for being a very interesting and nice pack of classmates.

Retti Meita Syafriani and Ika Wongsonegoro, thanks for being my e-mail buddies. It's nice replying letters from you girls. And it helped me cruised along the way. Thanks for the support, and thanks for listening to all my whining. I hope everything also goes well for you.

My servants at home, Yati and Shanti, thanks for helping me pack my bags ha ha ha. And all those instant noodles.

And last but not least, my dog Dingo. Thanks for always noticing whenever I'm in a bad mood. You're the dog that every dog owner would like to have. Just try not to bite my arms too often, okay?

So, that's that. Here I am passing another milestone. For awhile, things are calm. But new stuff will be come knocking, and I hope I'm ready for 'em.

'Pulang ke Kotamu...'

It's been a long time since I last set foot in Jogja. If I remembered it correctly, I was here before in June. Back then, I was about to start my thesis. Trying hard to come up with a topic to write about. Saw an old ghost back then.

Now, about 6 months later, I'm back here again. This time, it was for my thesis hearing. I passed, with an A. It was a relieve. The ghost has moved on.

And right now, I'm sitting inside the same very same internet cafe I visitted the last time I was here in Jogja. Back then I was trying to find out a topic for my thesis. And now, it's all over. Full circle. I'm here again.

I've probably said this so many times, but I'm gonna say it again. There's just something peaceful about this place. I couldn't put a finger on it. Maybe I'm just bored with the hectic life of Jakarta.

Today's my 4th day in Jogja. Body's feeling a bit tired, probably because my nerves were on end the days before the hearing. And now, it's all over, and my body's just seemed to let it all go...including the immune system. Looks like the flu will be visitting me very shortly.

Tomorrow's my friend's hearing. I think I'll stay here till Saturday. After it's all over, it's party time.

Gonna enjoy the last days of my ignorance. Pretty soon it's job hunting time, and things will never be the same again. Life changes, and I just passed another milestone.

The road is long indeed, but the view along the way is quite...indescribable. Cheers to life, with all its excitements and boredom.

The Roadside Coffee Shop


A person was sitting in the corner. Near the window, just opposite the entrance. He was sipping at his hot cup of coffee. The place is just right. The furniture's mostly light brown in colour.

The crowd's there, not many of them but plenty enough for a crowd. He seemed to just wanted to fade away in the corner, like a chameleon. A little hard to notice for a casual observer, but he was there nonetheless.

The music was playing. It was easy jazz, and was just right for places like it. The sunset was bright orange, and like the music, it was just right for places like it.

So, what's his story? What is he there for? Did he just got back from work, and instead of going home and going through 2 hours of unbearable traffic, decided to just go to his favourite coffee shop and sip a hot cup of java? Or was he just silently enjoying himself, congratulating himself for a business negotiation that went well? Was he even a working man?

Or was he waiting for a special someone? A person to cure his loneliness? A person who could be there for him, for nothing in particular besides just being there with him? Was he even lonely?

Or was he there to be by himself? To cure a broken heart, to be alone and think things through?

Or was he there just for the coffee? And what kind of coffee was he drinking?

Well, it would be nice to think that he was there just for chillin' and being content. Maybe to wait for the traffic, maybe to silently celebrate his recent success, maybe to wait for that special someone. Maybe that man was there for no particular reason at all.

In any case, it was only a painting. A painting running through my mind. A painting of a man and his favourite roadside coffee shop.