Rain

The days are empty. My life feels like it's a vast void, deprived of anything significant.

Have you ever felt like there's a hollow in your soul? A hole so big that it sucks every essence of yourself into it?

Have you ever felt like you've got no purpose in this life?

Yeah, I'm depressed. Again.

Well, here's a few definitions of the word 'depressed'

From WordNet (r) 2.0 :


depressed
adj 1: lower than previously; "the market is depressed"; "prices
are down" [syn: down(p)]
2: flattened downward as if pressed from above or flattened
along the dorsal and ventral surfaces
3: low in spirits; "lonely and blue in a strange city";
"depressed by the loss of his job"; "a dispirited and
resigned expression on her face"; "downcast after his
defeat"; "feeling discouraged and downhearted" [syn: blue,
dispirited, down(p), downcast, downhearted, down
in the mouth, low, low-spirited]
4: having the central portion lower than the margin; "a
depressed pustule" [syn: indented]

Of course, I'm talking about definition number three. Talking about definition number one would be talking about my thesis. Well, not exactly, but it would come close to that ha ha ha.

'Lonely and blue in a strange city'. Blue's kinda my color, ya know? I've always loved blue. It's one of my favourite color. Blue jeans, blue polo shirt, blue t-shirt. Black's also my color. But let's not stray from the subject, right? We're talkin' bout feeling blue here, not black ha ha.

Or maybe I haven't been eating right, or that I'm having hormonal imbalances.

Or maybe I don't like waiting to hear from my lecturer about my thesis.

I'm talking nonsense here, jumping from one thing to another. It may be depression, it may be something else. Or even a couple of things put together.

I don't know.

All I know is that I thought it would rain today. It didn't. The sky was gray this afternoon. The wind blew stronger than usual. There was a smell in the air, the smell of dust mixed with water. And for awhile I thought rain was coming.

It didn't.

Well, rain might do me good. A bit. I love rain.

Hey, why don't I sing a song about the rain?

Raindrops are fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are falin' on my head
And they keep fallin'

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done
He's sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head
And they keep fallin'

But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to greet me
Won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause
I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free, nothin's worryin' me

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause
I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free, nothin's worryin' me...

(just you know, I like B. J. Thomas' version he he he)

So yeah, it didn't rain. But still, it would have been nice if it had.

Hell, I'm feeling a bit better actually.

Ya Know, One of Those Days...

Yeah, it's one of those days. And this 'one-of-those-days' has been going on for a couple of days. It hasn't been exactly boring, but for some reason I just feel that there's nothing interesting to write about. And there seems to be a lack of energy.

But then again, I'm not gonna go down without some efforts...

Well, the least I could do is try to summarize my weekend. On Friday, I went to Upstairs at PS with my elementary school friends. It was great, of course, my being the only guy in the group. On Saturday I went to Mangga Dua with mom. Met up with some friends there. Later on I went to PS with M. Just hangin' around and sippin' some coffee.

Sunday was spent lying in bed, reading books and watching DVDs.

It's the numb period again. And I hate it. This probably means that I should be getting some more rest and some more exercise.

Rants? Yeah, I got a couple of 'em. Especially concerning the death of Sukma Ayu. A member of my family commented that it would probably be better for her to die than live, her family shamed by the cellphone photos scandal and the rumor that she's been doing drugs before she died. It would probably be a relief for her family, since her father was a 'kyai'. And the shame would be more bearable.

I didn't agree.

It sounded as if shame could be paid by death. So, if a son or daughter brings shame to a family it would be best for he or she to die than cause more shame? That's absurd. Shame is not a justification for death, never. And if someone thinks that by death a shame could be lifted or at least more bearable, they're wrong.

A person's act is his or her own. And it's true that a son or daughter could be used as a reflection of how the parents raised them up. But still, our thoughts and conducts are by no means other people's responsibility. We, in the end, hold the responsibility of our thoughts and actions. To even think otherwise would suggest that no humans are free. In thoughts and actions. Shackled up by how other people mold us. I don't want to believe that. I don't want to believe that my own actions is wholly affected by other people's actions and thoughts. I may be inspired, affected, by other people. But in the end, I held the responsibility of making my own choices, of deciding the course of action. And even if what I decide to do turns out to be wrong, I don't want the responsibility to fall to someone else besides me. I don't want someone else to carry the shame. It's mine and mine alone. I'm a very jealous and possessive person.

There's no shame in making mistakes in life. It is through our mistakes that we grow strong. No matter how big that mistake is, as long as we have breath in our body, we still could be able to do something about it. Shame is a normal human emotion. One could probably not help but feel it. And it's okay. But one should not wallow in too deep in it. Honor lies in standing tall and do something about the things that we hold dear and important in our lives. That's how we should deal with our shame. Not by taking our lives, or by being glad that other who caused us shame died.

Well, actually, there's no point in ranting. Sukma died, and death is the final ultimatum. Because in death, actions and thoughts have no more meaning. A person died. And in death there's no point in arguing about shame, families, values, mistakes, and all insignificant matter. Death is the ultimate verdict. The ultimate surrender. And the ultimate peace.

So, let's leave it at that, huh? Easy to say when I already have nothing else to rant about and just want to leave it at that.

Well, turns out that I DO have something to write about. It's just that I wasn't so sure I want to write this down. No point in arguing when someone has already died. No point in arguing in the first place anyway. Many people have their own opinions. Guess I just want to express mine here, since expressing my views to the person with whom I disagreed would only be considered by that person as a sort of insubordination. And I don't want that on my plate right now. No use. So, it's you, the reader, who would have to bear with me. Well, thanks for reading anyways.

A Full Birthday (September 18 2004)

Woke up at 7.30 in Pi's room. Mumu's dozing near the foot of the bed. Only a little more than 4 hours of sleep. Pi was up and about, was still sleeping. Went to the bathroom with Mumu trailing behind me. Went through Pi's parents' room going to the bathroom. When I got out of the bathroom, I found that Mumu's found a new interest in P, trying to nuzzle up to her on the bed. She was whining and asking me to get rid of him. I called Mumu and told him not to bother a sleeping beauty ha ha ha.

I came down to the first floor. Pi was washing dishes and getting rid of dog shit on the front of her house. She told me she was doing things she doesn't usually do, since everyone was out of the house. I told her she was doing okay. P joined us outside not long after that. Pi offered to make tea for us, P and I accepted it. And then P said that she wanted to see a movie, any movie. I came along and we watched a movie titled '8 Women'. It's a French movie. A light murder mystery sprinkled with a bit of musical here and ther. It was okay.

Mam send me an sms in the morning telling me that she wanted me to accompany her to pick up my bro up at the campus. She said we would be stopping at a bakery to get him a birthday cake before picking him up at the campus. I said I'll go home as soon as possible then. While we were watching 'You've Got Served' a call came in from my mom. She said that the driver will come and pick me up and will you give me the address so that I could tell driver where to pick you up.

The car arrived when 'You've Got Served' was still playing on the dvd player. I didn't get to see that movie till the end. Pi was watering the plant in the front lawn when I left her. Got stuck in the traffic for quite awhile going back home. Took a bath as soon as possible when I finally got home. We took off right after my bro called home and asked us to come and pick him up. We head off to the bakery first to buy my bro a birthday cake. We picked him up at his campus and we went to TA. There we had lunch and did some grocery shopping in the supermarket before finally dropping him off at his apartment room in TA. The room was packed with his friends busy doing their plant layout assignments. They were happy with the prospect of eating a birthday cake later on ha ha ha.

Previously I'd told M that I might not be able to join him for a karaoke session since we left quite late in the afternoon. But fortunately by the time we were finished at TA he was just about to start the session. My driver dropped me off at Puri and I joined M and his friends for a 2-hour of karaoke. It was fun. I got to sing Limpbizkit's 'Rollin''. Reminded me of the time when I got on stageback at the UI campus singing that song together with my friends. Looked like I still had it in me to sing that song. It was fun. I also got to sing Santana's 'Maria Maria', Frank Sinatra's 'New York New York' and 'Love and Marriage'. Damn I was good at it!

I asked Mike whether he wanted to go with me to EX to meet a friend I knew from friendster. He said that he was all for it and asked how did I get to know this girl. I told him that she sent me a message through friendster asking me whether I was in the same class with her in Santa Maria elementary school and whether I lived in Tomang back then. I told her that I probably was not since we were 2 years apart in age and that no, I didn't live in Tomang I live in Mangga Besar. I found that she was H's cousin's friend. They both went to the same senior high. I told M that she was in Jakarta, back from Sydney for awhile. She asked to meet up with me and that she'd be in EX that night with her friends, 12 of 'em. She'd been asking to meet up with me for 2 weeks and we hadn't been successful in finding the time when we both would be available. She also asked me to bring some friends. Well, I had M with me. I tried contacting H and F to come and join us. H couldn't make it in the end. F later came with G, his girlfriend.

So we arrived at EX. After circling the parking for about 3-5 times (trying to find a parking space in EX on a Saturday night's a bitch) we finally found a parking space. We first went to the 'Kings of Thai' restaurant, since she said that she and her friends would be there. Turned out that the place was packed and she and her friends decided to eat at the 'Red Tomatoes' instead. So, after 2 weeks of trying to meet each other, we finally did. She looks just like in the pictures in friendster.

Her friends turned out to be members of a mailing list named 'Jalan Sutra'. These people were all about going to new places and trying out new restaurants. They write reports recommending good restaurants and other places worth hangin' out in. I talked to them and I told 'em I might be interested in joining. Sounds like fun.

Me and Na (the girl) talked about many stuff, such as how she got to know Cat (H's cousin), about Deddy Corbuzier (they went to the same senior high, Teresia), about movies (planning on meeting again next Wednesday at EX to watch Exorcist: The Beginning), about bombs blowing off everywhere, and other things. I also chatted with some of her friends. One was sitting right next to me. She's her boyfriend's friend (how people get to know each other, it's amazing), and she also didn't know most of the people there (I forgot her name, damn! My bad). But they all seemed cool. There was this guy, a very pleasant guy. He likes talking about movies, and knows quite a lot about them. He and I connected immediately. And there was this one guy who's very good at tasting food. He could recognize the ingredients, the textures, and whether the cooks were good enough in putting these things together.

The food was good. Unfortunately, the service was not. They overcharged us for our food. Out of 12 orders of food, only about 6 or 7 came out. But they still charged us for 12 orders of food. It took quite awhile for us to settle the matter, but in the end it was settled and everyone was happy.

Just a side note, the TV in the restaurant played 'You've Got Served'. Talk about coincidence, huh? I, for one, don't believe in coincidence. That everything that happens must have a reason. But up until now, I don't know what is the reason behind seing 'You've Got Served' twice on the same day. Well, at least I got to see how the movie ends.

A friend of mine, F, said that he would be joining us later that night at EX with his girlfriend G, also a good friend of mine. She was in Jakarta until Sunday. Her company sent her frequently. So, after the dinner, me and Na parted ways since they were having a cup of coffee at Bakerz In next and F might want to go somewhere else. I told her that we'd meet again next Wednesday for the movie. So me and M walked her to Bakerz In and parted ways there. It's always fun meeting new people. Especially nice new people.

F was having a hard time trying to find a parking space. While we were walking around, me and M, waiting for F to find a spot, I met T, my friend from my UGM campus. He was there with his girlfriend, Wo, and his buddy Ok (he was called Gus Dur for his droopy eyes). We chatted for awhile, asking the latest developments of our thesis. I thanked Wo for giving me a headphone with a microphone so that I could use the voice chat functionality in yahoo messenger. I asked them whether they'd be going to Hard Rock and said that they lost the mood looking at the crowded place. They went home, and not long after that, F came with G and joined me and M.

Today's gotta be the day of days in the matter of coincidence. Right after meeting F and G we decided to have some coffee at Starbucks. When I got there, I met Li, T's ex girlfriend. We chatted for awhile, asking each other the latest development in our lives. I asked her whether she met T there and said no. I told her I just met him. She told me that T erased her from his friendster list. Well, I don't know anything 'bout that. Those two didn't break it up on good terms, I guess.

G didn't approve my wearing a glasses. She said it didn't look good on me. I told her she's the first one who said that. Others told me that I look good with a glasses ha ha ha. She's been doing okay at her company in Singapore. F was also doing well in his company in Jakarta. They asked M how his warnet's been doing, and he said that it's been doing great. They asked me when I would be finish with my thesis, and I told them that it would probably be finished in October or November. We chatted for awhile until it was midnight and then we went home. M went straight home, F and G dropped me home in F's brand new Honda Jazz. It's a good car.

It had been an entertaining day. Full of meetings and pleasant coincidences. I came home tired but content.

Frank McCourt's ''Tis'

I have finished reading ''Tis', a memoir/autobiography written by Frank McCourt, an Irish-American. His previous memoir, 'Angela's Ashes', won a Pulitzer. 'Tis was a continuation of Angela's Ashes.

In Angela's Ashes, we saw the world through young Frank's eyes. Being an Irish living in the town of Limerick in Ireland meant that one had to deal with poverty, bad wheather (bad enough to kill you), death in the family due to very, very poor living conditions, the often fanatic fervour for the Catholic religion, and above all, the misery of life due to all these things. In this sequel, the story picks up where Angela's Ashes left off, that is when Frank arrived back in New York, America. What makes 'Tis different from Angela's is that this time around Frank's a more mature person. The magically innocent point of view of Frank as a child dissipates as the story continues in 'Tis. But that doesn't mean that the story in 'Tis not as good as the one found in Angela's.

Frank McCourt has a very distinct and unique writing style. For example, instead of writing in the past tense he uses the present tense. He writes in long sentences. It's hard to describe it in details. But all I know is that it's so easy to read that I could finish the 400-plus-page book in only 3 days.

But of course the writing style is not the only thing that makes a book a very good one. What matters is the story. In Angela's Ashes, I found myself in the brink of tears and laughter at the same time. This is due to Frank's a bit dark sense of humour and the desperate situations he described in his story. The situations, if seen from an adult point-of-view, could bring a sense of desperation. But since McCourt successfully delivered the story from the innocent point of view of a child, sprinkled with some sense of humour, sadness and happiness don't seem to contradict each other anymore.

In 'Tis, I see a maturing Frank and his struggle of trying to find a living in New York. His effort in finding some money to send back to his mother and brothers back in Limerick, Ireland. His effort of trying to settle down. Though not as innocent as he was in Angela's, but still his brilliance shines in all parts of the story. He still has his dark sense of humour, he still has his unique style of writing and storytelling. And the story is still brilliant. And above all, his humanity is still there.

Personally, I see myself in Frank McCourt. The way he views religion, his aspirations to be a teacher, his search for someone who could substitute his drunken father, the miserable luck of both our mothers, his lost childhood, and the misery and happiness of our lives. I'm touched by his humanity. By his struggle that's going out in his heart. His disappointment in his father. His regrets. Yes, I sort of see myself in him. His life isn't perfect, and neither is mine. He's been through a lot, and he came out all right. Not perfect, but alright.

Reading the book has been like a personal journey. And I came away dazed, with my heart touched. So, to Mr. McCourt, I raised my hat in praise not only for your successful books, but also in your humanity. And I raise you this pint of fine Irish beer in salute. Cheers!

Hair Cuts (Friday, September 17 2004)

Starting this day, 9.30 is officially my wake up time. This morning I checked my e-mails. Later I finished Frank McCourt's ''Tis'.

In the afternoon, while I was finishing 'Tis, Pi called me up telling me to meet her and her hairdresser, Gi, at Taman Anggrek later in the evening. Said she'll be there around 6. I was just glad that at least I'd be going out on Friday night.

M also called in the afternoon. He asked what I'd be doing on Saturday afternoon. I told him I'd be doing nothing. He asked me to come along for a karaoke together with some other friends from UI. Most of 'em are Chinese and had once stayed in the same boarding house in Kukusan back when they were still studying in university. The boarding house? Bunaya. M once stayed there too. I said yes to the invitation. I also asked M about a file-sharing program. There was a misunderstanding about how I should install the program. With it settled, looks like my music-downloading days would soon come back to me again.

After finishing the book, I left for TA at around 5 by taxi. I got there at around 6.15 in the evening. Pi wasn't there yet, so I walked around the mall. It was not as crowded as it usually was on Friday nights. Probably because of the bomb threat. And these days, there are a lot of cooler places to be. I called Pi several times, asking where she was. She said that she got caught up in traffic and that I should go to Coffee Bean to meet Gi since he was there already. Well, I didn't know Gi that well so I didn't go there and meet him. Instead I walked around some more till Pi arrived. There was this wedding dress show with models walking on a catwalk wearing beautiful wedding dresses. And the wedding dresses were not the only things I was paying attention too. The models were, as models always are, very beautiful. Looking at them walking around on the catwalk was quite entertaining. When the show was almost finished I went straight to Coffee Bean since Pi had arrived.

We chat for about two hours at Coffee Bean. I learned that the dean of UI, UGM, ITB and some other national universities didn't know the name of a national hero whose face was printed on our one-thousand-rupiah bill. The question was asked during the famous quiz show 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'. I also learned that hairdressers had started using computer-graphic animation programs such as Maya in making up new hairstyles. I learned also that Gi loved Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes. He had with him on that night 'The Return of Sherlock Holmes', Indonesian version. He was reading it when waiting for me and Pi to arrive. That the character Sherlock Holmes died in 'The Memoir of Sherlock Holmes' and that because of protests from fan, Sir Arthur revived him in 'The Return'. I have the compilation book at home. I think that's going to be the next book I'll be reading.

I also learned that Gi was quite bitter with the condition of the academic world in Indonesia. We discussed the inadequate teachers and lecturers, the inadequate pay for teachers and lecturers, the lack of interest from people in general in the academic world and profession, the lack of interest from the teachers and lecturers themselves in the academic world, and many other vices in the academic world. Gi opined that teachers and lecturers should dedicate themselves in the academic world, do more writings and book publishings. An idealistic idea. A thing that I would like to agree to, but couldn't, since it is a bit unrealistic. Teachers and lecturers gotta live too, and the money pouring into the academic world is a bit lacking (or at least, the amount that found itself into the teachers' and lecturers' hands). Forced to earn more money lest they wouldn't have enough to live, teachers and lecturers found themselves earning more money from other fields of work. Attentions and efforts were diverted from the academic profession. Quality dropped. If you really look at it, it's like the devil's circle. One thing cause another to happen. And that other thing contributed to the earlier.

Of course I didn't voice my opinion. Gi, at the time, didn't seem to want to be contradicted. And I was in no mood for a debate. No good would come out of it. Listening to him was enough. I learned a lot of new things from him.

During our stay at Coffee Bean I called H up. Pi said that she tried calling him earlier, but couldn't. He didn't come to the office that day, and she didn't know why. H picked up my phone, and I asked why he didn't come along with us. Turned out that his car was being repaired. Something wrong in the engine. He also asked me to stay over at Pi's place since P would be staying the night there too and there was no one else in the house. Pi's family went out to Puncak. H wasn't comfortable with the idea of his girlfriend staying over at her friend's house without no one to look over them in case anything happens. So I said yes. And I thought it would a great idea staying over with two gorgeous girls to accompany me.

It was 9.30 in the evening when we left TA and picked up P from her house. After that we went to Pi's house. After arriving and some preparation, Gi started cutting P's hair first. While waiting I played with Pi's dogs. She had three dogs. One of 'em was so spoiled and friendly. I didn't know what kind of dog that one was. All I know was that it had long fur and cute. The other two were dalmations. I knew that for sure since they have spots ha ha ha. When P was done and it was Pi's turn, P asked me to go watch DVD with her. So we went up to Pi's room. Pi had a very comfortable bedroom. Full of photos, pictures, drawings (Pi likes to draw). It had a low ceiling, three mattresses, a TV and a JVC stereo set with a 5-disc DVD player and a subwoofer. It was kinda hard to describe how comfortable it was. All I knew is that I felt right at home in no time.

P and I watched 'About a Boy'. A very interesting movie. No man's an island indeed. But I was pretty sure Jon Bon Jovi didn't say that ha ha ha. After that we watched 'You've Got Mail'. I really loved that movie. When I first watched that movie, I swore that one day I would open up a book store. Watching that movie again reminded me of that promise I made. Even though I wasn't as sure as the first time, I still think that I'd give a shot one day. Everything in that movie was so beautiful I wished that they were real. Everything in that movie made me want to un-learn all the things that I've learned, all the disappointment, all the bitterness. I just want to be able to see the world through a pair of innocent eyes, the way we all used to when we were still young.

When the clock stroke midnight I called home. I told my mom that I was staying over at a friend's house. I asked her to call my brother and let him speak to me. She did, and when my brother was on the other end I said happy birthday bro, so you'll be staying in the apartment tomorrow, huh? Yeah. Having some of 'em plant layout assignments huh? Yeah, lots of 'em. I need to get them done. When will you be back home? Probably Tuesday. Tuesday? That's cool. Okay, gimme Mom again will ya? Sure.

P and Pi slept in Pi's parents' room. Before going to sleep, Pi asked me to tell Gi to come up and sleep in her room with me when I'm done watching. She also asked me to take Mu, her furry dog upstairs to sleep in her room. So, I went to sleep in Pi's room with unforgettable memories of 'You've Got Mail' and a furry dog next to me.

Plain as Day (Thursday, September 16, 2004)

Looks like 9.30 is fast becoming my official wake up time. Today was so plain that it could be summed up in a few bullet points:

• stayed at home all day
• read Frank McCourt's "'Tis"
• didn't break any sweat (haven't been exercising the whole week)
  
• checked out the internet (replied a couple 'em e-mails)
  
• watched Lilo and Stitch (it's not as fun as when you're watching it with a girl, giggling to the movie, next to ya)

Guess that's pretty much it.

Oh yeah,
Realized that I stopped hating Monday (that ugly bitch of a girlfriend) the way I used to. The days started to look all the same to me. Weekends will always be more exciting, of course. But since I have no routine Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays started to feel all the same to me. I guess I need to graduate as soon as possible, get myself a job, throw myself into a boring routine everyday, from 8 to 5, like they all say. So that I could start hating Mondays, that sorry excuse for a girlfriend, again like everybody else. Sad, isn't it?

And I also realized that the way I feel toward days lately is almost the same like the way I feel toward girls. They're all the same. Nothing special. Hope maybe it's because I haven't been meeting more of them lately. Probably need to hang out with newer crowd. Hell, I don't know. As long as I'm not turning into one of 'em faggots (excuse the language) I'm fine.

Oh, it's been an oh-so-plain day. But it's okay, people. It's okay. As long as I still have my wits about, as long as there's still breath in this body, and as long as this heart is still filled with yearning for a lot of things, material or immaterial, I'm fine.

Yikes! Blackout! (September 15, 2004)

I remembered clearly that I woke up at 9.30 this morning. Does it matter? Nope. Just wanna mention it.

I fired up the PC, started typing away at my diary software, trying to finish my journal about the latest trip to Puncak. After finish typing, I connected to the internet, went to blogger and posted my latest journals. While I was browsing away, looking at all the purdy girls in friendster's galleries, suddenly everything turned black. Shit, a blackout.

It was 12 o'clock. Midday. The day wasn't that hot, so I went outside to the front porch of my house bringing along a couple of textbooks and an autobiography by Frank McCourt titled 'Tis. I needed to refresh my knowledge concerning options, as in call options and put options. Ya know, those financial mumbo jumbo. After I was sure that my knowledge was refreshed, I started reading the autobiography. I could see that the writer still retained his writing style from his previous book, Angela's Ashes. As entertaining as always. But not as heart-rending as the previous book. When I was reading the first book, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Living in Limerick, Ireland, during the 1940's was so miserable and desperate that it almost felt like a joke. God's occasionally cruel jokes. The Big Man up there really have a queer sense of humor. Hey, miseries could bring out the best in man. Man could not appreciate happiness if he doesn't know miseries. Nothing to forgive if there were no sins. Well, reading those memoirs made me appreciate the fact that I'm not an Irish Catholic like Frank McCourt is. I'm a Chinese Catholic, and that at times is hard enough. But hey, it's okay. Nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to be proud of. It's just me.

I spent most of the afternoon sitting outside at the front porch, looking at cars, motorcycles, and people passing by in front of my house. Mom came home at around 2 o'clock. During the afternoon, she came out a couple of time to have a chat with me at the front porch. An interesting info: she said that Delon had agreed to go to Sydney, Australia, to sing in a fund-raising concert to build a church for the Catholic Indonesian community there. My Australian auntie is part of the fund-raising committee. She and my uncle were the one who came up with the idea to invite Delon there. Mom said she heard that Delon didn't mind the fact that he may not get paid for it, since all the tickets and accommodations are being paid for. He was really happy only because of the fact that he gets to take his mother along to Sydney, Australia. Now, that's what I call a really dedicated son. If what my mom said is true, then he's really a simple-minded and nice guy. I like it. I hope it stays that way. Heard that Delon mostly stays in his apartment these days. His house happens to be near mine. I guess if he stayed there, people would keep coming over and he would have no breathing space.

So, there I was at the front porch all day, just looking at the traffic outside, occasionally reading Frank's book, listening to my Mom occasional gossips, and just looking at the trees around my house. At that moment I just realized that this place, the front porch, might be a very good option for a private get-away place in my house. It was quite peaceful. People in my house rarely come out here. They mostly stay in the room. Yeah, too bad the front porch doesn't have any air conditioning. Would be nice. But hey, there's the wind, if it ever blows that is.

My friend, H, messaged me. We talked about compiling R&B music CD, An's period and her tendency to piss off people around her during the period, about blackout always picking the wrong time for itself to happen, about downloading Kazaa so that I could get the latest in R&B, and...hmmm, those were pretty much it.

The blackout ended around 4. I went straight to my room. Air conditioning, yay! Ha ha ha, couldn't help myself. I really love air conditioning. I love the cold. It's comforting somehow. And the PC's there too, of course. I fired it up again, and went straight to the world wide web.

Replied a couple emails, typed a couple of more paragraphs into chapter 4 of my thesis. After I was done, I felt drowsy and had a 1-hour sleep. Woke up and found that my brother had just got home. Later this night I watched Shrek 2 with my brother and my mother. It was a very entertaining movie, and the DVD has a couple of interesting extras (What do you say to Far, Far Away Idol?). Which reminds me that I want to watch Lilo and Stitch, again.

That's pretty much today's happenin'.

Australian Vacation (Tuesday, September 14 2004)

I woke up in the morning to the sound of my mom yelling at my youngest servant. Apparently, she went out of the house without notifying my other servant and without closing the door. My mom found out about it and she got angry. It could be said that my mom is a very reliable alarm clock. I would almost always wake up in the morning hearing her yelling and being upset about something. What a great way to start a day, huh? Well, that'll give you a description about how women might be when they're above 50 years old. Cranky. Y'know, fine, it's not fair to generalize. At least I know that's how my mom is. And just in case it turns out that that's how most women are, I gotta prepare. Ear plugs, for example. He he he.

Today is the day when I must visit my Grandma. She lives in Bandung most of the time. But she comes to Jakarta once in a while. She usually stays in my auntie's place whenever she comes to Jakarta. My auntie and her younger sister (also my auntie, of course) lives in that house. But my auntie (the older one) mostly stays in Sydney, Australia, with her husband and their two daughters (my cousins). She usually comes back to Jakarta twice in a year. Her younger sister (as I've said, also my auntie) stays in the house all the time, or at least whenever she's not on a business trip to Europe. She works in the fashion industry. It is interesting, getting to know a part of the family that you didn't realize you have until about 3 years ago. That, of course, is a story worth telling. But not for now.

So, I found myself on the way to my auntie's place with my mom. We were meeting my grandma because later that day she would be leaving for Australia. She's staying there for about 2 months, if I'm not mistaken. I felt drowsy all the time, due to lack of sleep. When we arrived, my grandma was already waiting for us. She gave us some chocolate and this orange-flavoured cheese, said those were from my Australian auntie. We talked about lots of stuff. Actually, my mom and my grandma did. I was quiet most of the time. Drowsy and sleepy. My grandma laughed seeing my sleepy face. She served us some drinks and some snacks (peanuts, my fave). After about an hour, we left her, wishing her a great time in Australia. I sent my regards to my two beautiful cousins through her. She must be excited to see her two granddaughters again.

The driver dropped my mother at her campus, she was giving a lecture at 12.30. The driver dropped me home. I went surfing the web, checking lots of unread emails, and since I was still drowsy, I slept most of the rest of the day. In the evening, I started on chapter 4 of my thesis. The calculations was more than halfway done, and I started putting the result in writing. The finance book I asked my cousin in America to buy had arrived and I started reading it. It was easier to understand than the previous two text books I had used for my thesis.

Later in the night I typed my blog, mostly about my trip to Puncak. I replied a couple of emails. Since I was feeling drowsy all day I didn't say much. Well, I'm still feeling drowsy when I type this. But then again, for me sleep is always welcomed. I turned in for the night at around 12. I think.

Heading Back (Monday, September 13 2004)

This time I slept a lot longer than the previous night. I woke up at around 7. The sun was already quite high in the sky. Je was up and about, and the others were starting to wake up. Je, An, Na, and Aj were going back to Jakarta at around 9. They were waiting for their driver to pick them up. They took turns taking shower and had their breakfast and they also packed their things. At around 9 their driver came and they left at about 9.30. Then it was only me, H, Pi and P that were left there at the villa.

We stayed in the villa the whole day. We watched some more movies (Identity, Amelie, Lilo and Stitch), had KFC for lunch, watched some more movies, smoke some cigarettes, had pancakes for dinner, and played some PS2 games. Actually, it was H playing Ace Combat 4. He got to the final mission, but decided to stop there and play it some other time.

In the evening we took some pictures at the villa. Just the four of us. I dreaded having to go back to Jakarta. But everyone had to, because the holiday's over, and the next day they need to go back to work. Mas W, H's driver, arrived at the villa around 9. We started packing right away. After we checked and double-checked to make sure that there are no valuables left behind, we left for Jakarta.

P and Pi slept along the way, leaving only me, H and mas W awake. I and H chit-chatted along the way, trying to keep ourselves awake. I talked about dreading coming back to Jakarta, and he also said the same thing. I both agreed that we like the mountains and also the beaches. But the thing about the mountains is that it's a lot quieter, more peaceful. The point of going to Puncak was to avoid the crowd that is Jakarta. To enjoy the silence. I also like the sound of the river. Water running between rocks. The sound is hypnotizing. I always feel drowsy whenever I hear running water. Once I fell asleep just sitting near a river, listening to the sound of the water. I wasn't tired or lacking sleep at the time. I fell asleep, just like that, listening to the water.

We finally arrived in Jakarta at about 10.30. We dropped P and Pi, and then Mas W dropped me off at my house. H asked me to stay over at his house, but I said I couldn't. I needed to go back to my house since the next day I'd be going with my Mom to meet my grandma who came from Bandung. She was staying at my auntie's place.

That's the end of my vacation to Puncak. Back to my house, back to civilization. Hey, it ain't that bad, y'know.

A Walk in the Hills (Sunday, September 12 2004)

I slept only for about 2 hours. Je was already up and walking about by the time I opened my eyes. The time was 5.30 in the morning. I woke up and went outside to the villa's front porch and waited to see the sky turn from complete darkness to light. Hills and mountains appeared in front of my eyes as the sun rose up and lighted the world. Colors started appearing. It was quite a view. A view I enjoyed while sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette. That thing hit my head hard and chased away my sleepiness. Je played Winning Eleven 5 inside while I was sitting outside. Too bad couldn't come with us. He would love the view. It was peaceful. Everything was green (the hills), blue (the sky), and white (the sky).

The other started waking up at around 7 to 7.30. After almost everyone was awake, Je made some pancakes for breakfast. It was not bad. Except for H and P, everyone was taking a walk in the hills near H's villa, with mas Las as our guide. After we finished preparing, we left the villa and started walking.

We first came across a big stream. We crossed it and came to a small paved road. We got off the road and started climbing the hill next to it following a path. Not long after that we arrived at the tea plantation. Before walking up the hills where the tea plantation was, we went to a small river stream to wash our feet that had got dirty because of walking. We played there for awhile, took some pictures, and then left for the hills again.

The view up the hill was great. We could see the towering mountains in front of us, the Puncak road down below, the soccer field on the hill across from ours, the tea plantation right below us, the farmers carrying carrots down the path between the tea plantations. We sat down and took some rest, drink a bit, took some more pictures, and enjoyed the view. After we were rested, we went off again, this time arriving at another stream. The water was clear and fresh. We rested there a bit there, played with the water, took yet some more pictures, and enjoyed the cold water.

We went on, walking up another path up the hill, crossing a large grassy field and came upon yet another paved road. This one goes up to a higher place up a hill. Exclusive villas dotted the sides of the road and near the t-junction where we stood at the time. The road was quite steep. While the others decided to go down, I parted ways to go higher up, trying to enjoy a moment of solitude. It was really quiet up there. A silence so deep it's hard to describe. Very peaceful. Some people said that mountains are sacred. I think I knew why they said so. You couldn't hear anything else up there except the whispers of your heart, and maybe, God.

The road went up the hill, then turn into a full circle going down the hill, and meeting up at a junction with itself. It was the same t-junction where I parted ways with my friends earlier. I ran down the road, going down the hill, and finally met up with my friends waiting for me. We went on again, going along the road, down the hill. After some twists and turns, we came to a narrow unpaved path going off the paved road and we went on following that narrow path, going further down the hill. At a four-way junction we took a right and followed the path, rounding a bend with a hill on our right, and a view of the mountains on our right. We came to an old abandoned hut and the path lead us down a hill with the trees to our left and right.

As we go further down, we came to a villa on our left. Some people are renting it, and they whistled at some of my girl-friends. Yep, An and Pi were good looking alright (hey, if you two are reading this, don't let yourself hit the ceiling, okay?). We came to another paved walkway that lead, finally, to the road where H's villa was located. We still had to walk up the steep road before we finally arrived back at the villa. The morning hike took about 2 hours.

H was playing Ace Combat 4 when we arrive. P was waiting for him to finish the game so that she could watch more DVDs. We took turns taking showers since there were only 2 bathrooms. After that we watched a movie titled Fahrenheit 9/11, a movie by Michael Moore. We had Padang food for lunch. I had myself some kikil and paru. My life just got less by 2 weeks eating that unhealthy, yet very delicious, food.

I think we watched a couple more movies, I couldn't remember. During the whole afternoon I played a game called Rummikub (or something) with Pi and Je. Heard that it was a Jewish game. The game's got something to do with numbers (from 1 to 13) and colors (blue, yellow, black, and red). Je left early, Pi and I started all over again from scratch. Played it for a long time with her. I lost, damn it. But hey, at least I tried my best. Ha ha ha. Hey, at least I made a girl felt good that time.

We watched more DVDs. One was The Usual Suspect. A very good movie starring Kevin Spacey, with a very interesting plot twist. Later in the night we had a barbeque. Mas Las prepared the coals. I was the one doing the barbeque. I enjoyed it. After I finished eating, I went out to the front porch again, smoking a cigarette to help get rid of the cold. An came out to the front porch, we started chatting and had ourself a nice, long conversation. She complained a bit that the night sky was not clear enough to see more stars. H and N came out to the porch after awhile, gossiped a bit, talked about relationship and how to get rid of unwanted attentions.

P was watching Beverly Hills Ninja (not a very good movie, if I may say so myself) when I fell asleep on the sofa. It had been a very long and wonderful day.

Delays and Broken Promises (Saturday, September 11, 2004)

So, after a week delay, we were finally going to Puncak this day. I woke up at around 9.30 in the morning in my friend's house. We started preparing. We went to pick up P at around 1 o'clock. H had to pick up his car at the autoshop, some old lady had crashed it's front-left side while reversing her car earlier this week. Waited for awhile at the autoshop. After that we went to Mega Mal's Carefour to shop for food for our 2-day stay in Puncak. We went to H's house for our final preparations before leaving. We left his house at 5 in the evening. H's driver drove the three of us there.

A friend I know from friendster sent me an sms asking me to meet up with her. I was on the way to Puncak when the message arrived. I said my sorry for not being able to meet with her that weekend and promised her that I'd make it up to her next week.

There were to be 8 people in H's villa, including me. 5 of them were there already since morning. They were H's office friends. We got caught in heavy traffic at the Puncak split-off. It was to be expected, since it was a long weekend and everyone seemed to have plans to go to Puncak that weekend. Thanks to W's driving skill (and some shameless act of cutting into other people's lane), we were able to reach our destination within 3 hours. We arrived at H's villa at around 8 o'clock. Everyone was already waiting. An was busy writing some poems, Pi was smoking, Na, Aj and Je was at lying at and around the sofa, where they set up some beds.

Being there again was always refreshing. After putting all the food and drinks in the fridge, I set up my PS2 so that we could get started watching some DVD movies. The first movie we watch was Princess Mononoke, a Japanese cartoon created by Hayao Miyazaki. Since I'd already watched that movie, I sat outside at the villa's balcony for sometime, smoking a cigarette. I don't usually smoke. But I always smoke there in Puncak. I didn't exactly enjoy smoking, but it helped get rid of the cold for a bit. The night sky was clear at that time. I could see some stars shining in the sky. H turned off some lights so that we could see them better.

I had a long conversation with Je at the balcony about working at Citibank and the people we knew there. About his hopes of being a permanent employee there. I gave my comments concerning the people I knew that were still working there at the time and about how it was being a permanent employee, even though it lasted for only 9 months. I must say that I was impressed with Je's surprisingly vast knowledge about movies, music and PS games. He has a very good voice. An interesting fellow indeed.

An was quite a good poem writer. I read some of them and I must say that I was quite impressed with some of them. She has a good command on the Indonesian language.

Played a couple of PS2 games before finally going to sleep at around 2 o'clock. Didn't fall asleep right away. Je was snoring loudly and it was hard trying to shut the noise away. Finally, after trying for quite some time, I fell asleep at around 3.30 in the morning.

Conversations (Friday, September 10, 2004)

My friend asked me to stay over at his place so that the next day we could go to Puncak straight from his place without having to pick me up at my house. I packed my things up in the late morning, and waited until the evening came.

I went to EX in the evening. I'd been staying at home too much lately, and I needed to go out, meet people and friends. So the day before I'd made an appointment with an old friend from my elementary school. We were meeting in EX at around 6 o'clock. I got there a little late since Thamrin was so jammed packed with cars that couldn't go through Kuningan, because it was closed due to the investigations for the cause of the bombing the day before.

We met at a Fuji store near Excelso. M was a bit surprised to see that I was wearing glasses and asked since when I'd started wearing them. We decided to have dinner at Spice Garden. She had some Indian food and I got myself some Japanese food. We had a conversation concerning a lot of matters, such as the bombing that happened the day before, our opinions about life, religions, faiths, friends and people. It was a long conversation. V came a little bit later. Earlier I had asked him to come along. He just finished meeting with someone, and after meeting with us he was to meet another person at Hard Rock.

I got home at around 10 after dropping M off at her house. I told the taxi to wait for awhile, picked up my stuff and went to H's house. I stayed overnight there.

To Be Continued...

Finished reading Eragon. It was good. Might not be as intricate as, say, Lord of the Ring, but it was an entertaining read. Paolini has potentials, alright. Plot-wise, it was quite predictable in some ways. Personally, I must say, owning a dragon like Saphira might be cool. And Paolini certainly described quite well about how cool it would be to own a dragon like Saphira.

Correction

Well, looks like someone did claim responsibility. This link: http://news.scotsman.com/latest.cfm?id=3477377 stated that: 'In a statement posted on an Islamic internet site, Jemaah Islamiyah, a south-east Asian terror group linked to al Qaida, purportedly claimed responsibility for the attack, saying it was punishing Australia for supporting the war in Iraq. The site is known for carrying extremist Islamic content, and its authenticity could not immediately be confirmed.'

Well, just want to make it clear that the terrorist wasn't a complete dumb ass like I've stated in the previous entry. That is, if what the website's claim is true.

Day of Infamy, Again

I was doing my push-ups when I heard from a friend that there's a bomb explosion in the Kuningan area, right in front of the Australian Embassy. I forwarded the message I got to my Mom, since I thought she would be interested in hearing another bomb explosion. I also asked another friend whether the information was true. And it was.

I didn't know the extent of the damage the bomb had caused until I watched the news later in the afternoon. Because at first I thought it was another small bomb. Anteve was doing a live broadcast right at the scene, since their office was not far from there. The surrounding buildings got their mirrors shattered because of the blast, the road was a mess, a lot of people injured, a few died, and it seemed that the nation would undergo yet another pressure concerning the fight on terrorism (if it was terrorism). Small bomb my ass, I was wrong. This one was a huge motherfucker. A friend sent me a picture of the huge smokecloud caused by the bomb. That was no ordinary bomb.

It was always sad, knowing that the victims were always innocent civillian. Collateral damage, I think, is the term. There are some issues that come to mind. Terrorist usually stated their responsibility and their demands after a terror attack. At least that was how it always was in movies and also in real life. However, these guys didn't say anything. It was as if you were just walking when a person came to you and hit you in the eye. You aksed him what was wrong, and the guy just said 'go figure'. They didn't say what their demands were. It was stupid.

Or...

They have issued their demands, but the government didn't let people know about it. Maybe because the demands have got something to do with the mistakes the government made in the past that it doesn't want the people to know. From the talk shows and the interviews yesterday it would seem that the word the government was holding on to was 'mum'.

Regardless of the conspiracy theories...

Innocent people would always fall victim to such political games. There are plenty of blame to go around. But let's take a look at ourselves. Alone, we couldn't do anything. We didn't have the power to decide things, we didn't have the power to track these people down, and we didn't have the power to expose these people, whoever they are. The only thing we could do is to demand the government to do so for us. However, to do so, we have to be united, so our voice is significant enough to be heard by the government. Alas, this is not so.

Indonesia is a very diverse country. And through some measures, the government and the status quo have prevail in making it more diverse. I think it's due time that we realize that we're in it together, like it or not. I think it's due time that we set our differences aside and start doing things that matter. The government was also reluctant to confirm whether the bombing was related to a certain religious extremist groups. I could only say that killing people is always wrong, no matter what the reasons are, no matter whether it's religious or not. And even if the group uses a name that is religious, it's got nothing to do with religion since the act that they brought upon this country was not a religious act. It was murder, and there's nothing religious about that. The government must make it clear to the people on this, that they intent to bring justice (if they are willing to be committed to it) upon those responsible not because of their religious ties (if there is such a thing called ties between religion and terror) but because of their deeds. Put forth proofs, make it clear that the government is doing the best it can. Uncertainties like this could only create more rift between the people of this country, where religion is such a sensitive issue. There's nothing religious in bombing people. It's not a religious rite. It's murder and everybody knows it.

However, of course, we didn't know for sure concerning who the masterminds behind this latest bombing. It might be done by certain extremist groups, or maybe a different group altogether.

Nevertheless, unity is what we need most. And all we know for sure is that: bomb = bad, bomb = wrong, bomb = people dies. It's that simple. If only we could keep to those facts.

But I sensed that people here are becoming ignorant. 2 years and we've already forgotten Bali. A year and we've forgotten Marriott. We're too immersed in our own daily lives that we didn't stop to look and think for awhile and come to the conclusion that some things need to be done first for us to be able to move on. 3 huge bombs, people. And lots of smaller ones. Isn't it about time we realize something? Don't just blame the terrorist, we're also to blame for our own ignorances. 3 bombs, people. I think it's more than enough. It's about time we realize that we, the people of Indonesia, matter too. That we, if united, have more than enough strength to press our government to start doing the right thing. That we're not so stupid that we didn't know that something smells wrong with our government. That united, we could make a difference. That we, together, do have the power.

I'm just another person. A boy, no less. But at least I'm not dumb enough not to realize this. Not dumb enough not to realize that we've become too ignorant. Not dumb enough not to realize that we've been swayed by the concerns of our own daily lives. Not dumb enough not to realize that the terrorists aren't the only one to blame. Not dumb enough not to realize that we could not only blame our government. And not dumb enough not to realize that we could not only blame a certain country and it's war on terror. Plenty of blame to go around, and some of it should go to ourselves.

Like it or not, blood has been spilled, and some of it is on our hands. On my hands, if some of you don't want to take that responsibility.

It was yet another sad day again for the people of our beloved country. I hope it won't take another one to wake us up.

At the very least, remember this day. I know it's not an easy thing, making a difference in this world. At the very least, remember.

Final Fantasy

Today I finished reading 'American Gods'. And I must say that it's a very good book, and it has a very interesting plot twist, though a careful reader might be able to guess the plot twist easily. But still, I daresay that Neil Gaiman is a very good storyteller. Reading a book is like embarking on a journey. And it has been a very entertaining trip.

Went to the campus late in the afternoon. Met T, N, and F. N brought along his littel sister. Seemed like she still recognized me. Looks like everyone was going to Jogja for Career Day. I didn't feel like going, and the registration had closed.

After I had helped Titot's calculations, we went to EX to grab some drink and just chill for awhile. Went home, fell asleep for awhile, and now filling out this journal. Next book in my reading list: Eragon. About time I start reading that book.

The Big Picture

The theme of the day were boredom, depression, and laziness. These feelings haunted me all day long, like old ghosts who couldn't give up their souls to death. Life seems to be going nowhere, stuck in the moment. My life, at least. For other people's, it seemed as if they were in other parallel realities, other dimensions. For mine, the reality, the dimension, for the time being, were defined by the aforementioned ghosts.

But moments of clarity, moments where suddenly what you feel is irrelevant, moments where suddenly you're seeing yourself from the third person perspective, moments where who and what you are is nothing compared to the Big Picture, could strike you at the most unexpected time. Moments like these bring me relief. So it was such a shame that these moments went away too soon. I wanted so very much to savour the moment, yet it went away, like leaves blown by the wind. Such is the beauty of life.

Some would argue that it is only a matter of perspective. If one could detach oneself from one's ego, from one's selfishness, from one's persona, one would find oneself in a state of objectivity, a state of calmness, a state where daily worries are irrelevant to oneself, like a speck of dust. Some wise ones may have call this state 'enlightenment'. I had heard that it was named 'enlightenment' not because one is 'enlightened' by a ray of light, but it was called 'enlightenment' because one is lifted from the burden of being oneself. From one's own ego, one's own selfishness, one's own mask. From one's own persona.

But such a state is, as a matter of course, hard to attain. For if it could be attained as easy as flicking a finger, then this world would be crawling with holy ones, wise men. And such thing, if I may be so bold to say, is an impossibility. A few wise ones, possible. But all of us, being at a higher state of consciousness, is an impossibility.

Thoughts such as these, come to me at my most boring of moments. There may be a handful of reasons why, and there may be a handful of perspectives as to how I could discuss about them, about the boring moments, and about the thoughts that come into mind, and about how the connect with each other. I suspect that is why I fear being alone, because these thoughts come rushing in when the babble of noises from the outside world die and the Silence took hold of my mind. I fear because such thoughts, uncontrolled, could drive me mad.

But the least I could do, is to pour it out into writings. What I put here, may have been said by so many wise men, and at so many instances. in other words, not original. But knowledge and wisdom, they need to be passed on. They need to be told and retold. For they are also living beings. Living, procreating, evolving, dying, in the human minds. Passed on from generations to generations by means of teachings, rearings, educatings, word of mouths, the internet, and so many other ways. I recalled a video game that mentioned that humans, realizing or not realizing it, has created a new species, a new life form in this world. It is called by so many names, but one name people would recognize, it is 'information'.

And so, bear with me, as I tell you many things. Things about my life and life in general (or at least, life in general in my own perspective). Things that need to be told, things that may be trivial, or things that may be very important, depending on one's perspective. You may learn a thing or two from it, or you may not learn anything at all. But like the organic being, even information has to go through natural selection, a selection that occur in one's own mind when one decided whether to assimilate the information in his mind or not. Nevertheless, the information has been passed on. And that is what matters.

And so, why is is that one could not easily attain a higher state of consciousness? I would propose that it is because one could not easily let go of one's sense of who oneself is. How do a person define his or her sense of self? How do a person define who he or she is? Is it by looking at one's parents? One's children? One's family? One's race? One's language? One's culture? One's nationality? One's academic achievements? One's career achievements? One's wealth? One's hobbies? I would argue that these things are the essence of how our modern society defines itself. However, take these things away, and I would say that there's nothing left one could define oneself with. And I daresay that one is scared of taking off these defining dimensions from oneself. Because when all of these things are stripped from oneself, then one would be a Nobody. A No one. Nothing. Insignificant. I could not say this is a common thing. All I could say is that, I would be scared if I have none of these.

So must I say, reaching a higher state of consciousness, or shall I say becoming holy, is not to be. Not to be oneself. However, I have no right to claim that I have been there. For right now I'm only theorizing, only hypothesizing. Retelling words that have been retold so many times. Words that are not mine alone.

Like all opinions and arguments, there is no such thing as complete and perfect objectivity. The words uttered in this writing are mine. Spoken through the perspective that is me. And even these words are not original, as I have mentioned before. These words I may have read from books, heard from other people's mouths, glimpsed from other people's minds. And yet there is a strong urge to tell, to spread the words, in one form or another. To me, it is like reaching out, trying to find other people, other minds. I am, above all else, lonely.

People may have the same religions. People may claim to have the same faiths. And yet, I would say that no one believe in the same thing. No one has the same, identical faith. And no one could claim that other has the same faith as one does. For even one's life is a Holy Book in itself, different in experiences and nuances. Due to the aforementioned difference in perspective, so one must learn from his own Book. Forcing one's believes toward others, in my opinion, is unacceptable. However, I must acknowledge that sometimes, being unique and different is a very lonely thing. And we would sometimes feel relief when we could find someone who could understand, who could relate to us.

Midnight strikes, and thus I must close this session. For my eyes are starting to feel heavy, and a book is calling me back to turn its pages toward the inevitable end. I would like to say thank you to those who stayed until the end with me, for my rambling might have brought you feelings of distressed, depression, boredom and alas, futility. However, I hope that, in some wicked way, you were entertained. That you may have learned some new wisdoms, or be reminded by old ones. Nevertheless, the information has been passed. And it is now up to natural selection to do it's job. In your minds.

Kosong

Melangkahkan kakiku
Kuberjalan susuri jalan setapak ini
Dedaunan berjatuhan
Kering tak berwarna
Bagaikan hatiku

Kucoba senandungkan lagu
Patahkan sepi
Mencoba buat keramaian
Namun hanya meluapkan
sesak di dada yang ingin meronta

Serasa sesak
Hampa udara
Ingin kuteriak
Habiskan suaraku

Hari ini terasa kosong
Hari ini terasa kosong
Hari ini terasa kosong
Hari ini terasa kosong...

(ten2five, 'kosong')

It's not the day, though. It's the heart. Void.

Needle Prick

Woke up with a heavy head. Eyes throbbing, a sure sign that migraine would hit me sooner or later. Remebered that I was suppose to get ready for a blood test, but wished that I didn't have to. I wish I could stay all day in my room, asleep, enjoying my dreams (should I have any). My hope was dashed when mom came out from the bathroom and told me to have breakfast and get ready. My fever had subsided, but still, couldn't take any risk of not knowing whether it's just a common fever or a bloody one. So I prepared and went with Mom to the lab.

The guy squeezed my right hand's middle finger hard, drawing blood for the test. The tip of my finger bloody from the needle prick and from the squeezing. Some people are scared at the prospect of having a sharp object prick their skin and of seeing blood. Not saying that I was one of 'em, but I didn't exactly enjoy it either.

Went home, read some more American Gods, played Viewtiful for awhile. M called later in the afternoon, saying he was on his way to pick me up. He and some of his friends were going to Mangga Dua. I decided to come along. Better than just staying at home. And I was already feeling better.

'You sure are quiet today.'
'I am?'
'Yeah, you are.'
'Well, yeah, I think I am.'
'What's the matter?'
'Nothing, probably because I don't feel too good. Probably because I don't know what to say.'
'Really?'
'Yeah.

Ya know what?'
'What?'
'I don't know, but since I started wearing this glasses, I became quieter.'
'What's that got to do with you being quiet?'
'I don't know. That's just the way I feel about it.'
'Oh yeah?'
'Yeah.'

'M, btw, that girl tending the shop, where you just bought that hard drive connector, she's really cute.'
'Ha ha ha, I was beginning to wonder whether you're still normal or not, not saying anything bout that girl.'
'Of course I noticed. How could you not notice something like that.'
'Good, good. Yeah, she's cute alright. Not bad, not bad at all.'
'Yeah. Ha ha ha.'

'So, P called you last night?'
'Yeah, you gave her my phone number?'
'Yeah, I did.'
'So, you comin' tomorrow to Puncak?'
'If I don't have anymore fever, yeah I would certainly go.'
'C'mon man, you should come.'
'Yeah. Man, you know I want to.'
'You should, man. You should.'

Bought Smallville, season 2. Kristin Kreuk sure is cute. I love that serial. 24 kicks ass too. I think I wanna get myself The Simpsons. Southpark is also funny, in a rude and impolite way. So many movies, so little time.

A Fever Dream

It was a beautiful day.
The white sandy beach sprawled before me
The wind in my face, stroking, caressing, and playing with the coconut trees
Beyond, a vast expanse of the ocean stretching as far as the eye can see
The blue sky and the blue-green sea met in the far horizon, two lovers united by distance.
And the sun was shining high in the sky, hiding its face among the white clouds.
It was indeed a beautiful day.

I was not alone at the beach
People were milling around, enjoying the breeze and the ocean view.
Seagulls diving into the ocean, preying on the fish of the sea
I walked around, at last finding a place to rest
I sat on the warm sand, hugging my knee, looking at the ocean beyond
The sun tanning my skin
The chorus of waves crashing against the white sand
Hypnotizing, a lullaby to the mind
I closed my eyes, lied down, and finally sleep overtook me.

It was indeed a strange dream.
I dreamt that I was still at the beach
Hugging my knees, looking at the ocean beyond
But there were no people
No seagulls.
There were only the sand, the ocean, the sky, the clouds, the sun.
And me.

As I stood up, the ocean parted.
In the distance, I saw a figure
Gliding, riding the waves, coming towards me
She was beautiful
Her figure was as if made by water,
greenish blue, with air rising in bubbles inside her slim body
She came towards me
We looked into each other's eyes, hers as blue as the deep ocean
Her lips dark blue, not moving as she whispered these words into my mind:
'I have a request to ask of you, son of the mountain.'
And I said to her that I was just another man, that I was only human.
'But you love the Mountain, and the Mountain loves you. Please, grant me this one wish.'
Her deep-blue eyes looked into me as her hand reached into her chest
pulling out a shiny pendant from her body of water.
'Please go to the Mountain, give him this for me.'
The pendant was in the shape of a water drop.
'It will remind him, that once, we were together. And that one day, we will be together once more.'

I woke up, startled.
The sun was setting, the sky was turning into orange-red.
It seemed that sleep overtook me for quite sometime.
Slowly, the memories of the dream came back to me.
And as I was standing up, my hand caught an object.
It was the water pendant.
I looked into it, and I could see bubbles rising inside the pendant.
As I stood there, a voice spoke inside my mind,
'It is the Soul of the Ocean. Take good care of it. And please deliver it to the Mountain. By the coming end of the week.'

It was a coincidence, for this coming weekend
I was going to the Mountain
To enjoy the tranquilty
Together with friends
As I stared into the pendant once more
I thought that this weekend would turn out to be out of the ordinary

Fever Strikes

Woke up around 10.30 this morning. Waited for awhile until all the life of me came back into this not-so-young-anymore body of mine, and started exercising at around 12. Took me about an hour to finish the exercise. And after that, fever broke inside my body.

You know a fever is coming when all the joints in your body start to hurt, and your body starts to shiver. Drank panadol, get myself some sleep, and all the while hating the fever because if it weren't for that, I would have been on my way to PS to watch 'House of Flying Daggers'. I hope the movie would still be around by next week. I gotta watch it in the theater, no matter what. Fell in love with Zhang Yimou's 'Hero', and I figured I gotta watch this one too, since Zhang Yimou made it. And I didn't mind watching it alone by myself. Sad, isn't it?

Tried to continue some calculations for my thesis. Ran into a problem. I really need to ask my lecturer on this, while thinking 'bout other alternatives to solve the problem.

Continued reading 'American Gods' by Neil Gaiman. An interesting piece of work. Played 'Viewtiful Joe' for awhile too, using a new character I just unlocked a couple of days ago.

Watched Alien vs Predator. The picture's quality was still bad. It was okay. I'd give it 2.5 out of 5. Just another mindless Hollywood junk, and it was so-so. Well, at least I didn't have to work my brain too much watching that movie.

Body started to shiver again late in the evening. Drank another tablet of panadol. Worked like a charm. But still, head still felt heavy, stomach's felt like a witch's cauldron, and eye-view seemed distant. Signs of bloody fever. I could only wish that it was only a common fever. Body's too tired, did too much exercise, pushed myself too far, and didn't eat enough food. Getting a blood check tomorrow, ain't gonna like the blade piercing my finger, but it won't hurt that much.