Eye-Bags

I've been enjoying myself a lot lately. Doing nothing at home except playing games and watching DVDs. Oh yeah, listening to music too.

I remember what someone said about Paulo Coelho. "Your books make me dream." I guess it's one of the best compliments a writer could ever receive.

I read Paulo Coelho's 'Eleven Minutes'. It is very good. But it didn't make me dream. It was good, though. Good. I'm looking forward to reading "The Alchemist."

But there are books that succeeded in making me dream. To be taken away from this reality and to experience a different kind of reality. J.R.R. Tolkien's 'Lord of the Ring' is one of them. There are some other too. Harper Lee's 'To Kill a Mockingbird' is also another. And many others. They're beautiful.

Books are not the only things that could make me dream. A good friend of mine gave me a remix of a background music from a game I came to love during my senior high years. I remember the instrumental music. It's very beautiful. I remember how my eyes would go blank and my mind would wander away from my body...and began dreaming of a far, far away reality...

A floating island, with castles high atop it's highest hill, floating high and among the clouds. Strange birds with dragon wings and lashing tails roam the boundless skies. Rivers running between the slopes of mountains and hills, ending in waterfalls on the island's edges, falling to earth. The wind gently blowing, you could almost hear it singing between the branches of the trees. And the blue sky, crystal clear.

The image is, of course, taken from the game. But the music brought me there. It made me experience. Thanks, M, for bringing the music to me again. It made me remember a bit how to dream.

I've also fallen in love with Alicia Keys' 'If I Ain't Got You'. I know it sounds silly, but this song could make me fall in love, even if there's no object for this love. Even if there's no woman in my life right now. The song made me fall in love. Or, at least, it made me fall for what I believe to love. Yes, the song also made me dream.

Have you ever felt it?

A work of art so beautiful it moves you in a way you never understand?

Indescribable.

I just hope that, moments like these, would still come even after my graduation. When I enter what many people like to call 'The Real World'. But I do believe that even The Real World is still full of wonder. And I just hope that I am Awake enough to Experience its Wonders. To be Awake, and yet still dream. It would be wonderful.

Many are asleep. Many. I hope that they will one day wake up from their dreamless sleep, and experience this reality, full of dreams.

I hope that this isn't only because I've been sleeping late at night. It would suck to know that these all are only happening because of chemical imbalance inside my body.

Well, even if it was, I don't mind. It's been good.

The Rabbi

This passage is taken from Orson Scott Card's 'Speaker for the Dead'. I found myself intrigued by it, so that is why I'm putting it in my journal. The passage goes like this:

A great rabbi stands teaching in the marketplace. It happens that a husband finds proof that morning of his wife's adultery, and a mob carries her to the marketplace to stone her to death (There is a familiar version fo this story, but a friend of mine, a speaker for the dead, has told me of two other rabbis that faced the same situation. Those are the ones I'm going to tell you.)
The rabbi walks forward and stands beside the woman. Out of respect for him the mob forbears, and waits with the stones heavy in their hands. "Is there anyone here," he says to them, "who has not desired another man's wife, another woman's husband?"
They murmur and say, "We all know the desire. But, Rabbi, none of us has acted on it."
The rabbi says, "Then kneel down and give thanks that God made you strong." He takes the woman by the hand and leads her out of the market. Just before he lets her go, he whispers ot her, "Tell the lord magistrate who saved his mistress. Then he'll know I am his loyal servant."
So the woman lives, because the community is too corrupt to protect itself from disorder.
Another rabbi, another city. He goes to her and stops the mob, as in the other story, and says, "Which of you is without sin? Let him cast the first stone."
The people are abashed, and they forget their unity of purpose in the memory of their own individual sins. Someday, they think, I may be like this woman, and I'll hope for forgiveness and another chance. I should treat her the way I wish to be treated.
As they open their hands and let the stones fall to the ground, the rabbi picks up one of the fallen stones, lifts it high over the woman's head, and throws it straight down with all his might. It crushes her skull and dashes her brains onto the cobblestones.
"Nor am I without sin," he says to the people. "But if we allow only perfect people to enforce the law, the law will soon be dead, and our city with it."
So the woman died because her community was too rigid to endure her deviance.
The famous version of this story is noteworthy because it is so stratlingly rare in our experience. Most communities lurch between decay and rigor mortis, and when they veer too far, they die. Only one rabbi dared to expect of us such a perfect balance that we could preserve the law and still forgive the deviation. So, of course, we killed him.

- San Angelo, Letters to an Incipient Heretic, trans. Amai a Tudumundo Para Que Deus Vos Ame Cristao, 103:72:54:2

Why do I like this passage? Well, for one I find it a very cool story. With some awful truths in it.

The first story reminded me of Indonesia, my country. When it comes to law and governance, they are too lenient. The government and the people too corrupt. When someone does something, he/she wants something in it. Many colutions and nepotism. We can see the examples in how the government upholds the law. Then of course some of you, or probably many of you, would say, "Uphold the law? When?" This question is an answer in itself.

The second story also reminded me of Indonesia. But I see it not in matters of governance and law. I see it in the unwritten law. The cultures. The norms. The values. And of course, the punishment is not death, but banishment. It is apparent in how the society looks upon widows, broken home families, gays, lesbians, problematic children, children with broken homes families, commercial sex workers, and other defiants. Nobody stones them, of course. But we reject them, treat them differently, making them outcast. This, in itself, is a form of death. But then again, my sentiment is arguable.

I'm not saying that these problems could only be found in Indonesia. It is unfair. However, Indonesia is the country where I live in. That is why I feel strongly about this country. That is why I offer examples from within this country. To say that other country has the same problems would also be unfair. Because I never been there, and does not know the problems other countries face.

Some of you may know the story of the rabbi, who once stood in the defence of the woman, saying that whoever is without sin is to cast the first stone. Nobody did, and they left the woman alone. The rabbi forgave her and let her go. This man did preserve the law and still forgive the deviation. And yes, we killed him. Don't say to yourself that it was the Jews who killed him. Some of you are still killing that person up until now. Even I'm still doing it whenever I could not find the heart to forgive someone. But that's my opinion.

So, why is it that we kill him? There are many arguments as to why we kill him. Maybe to maintain the status quo. To keep some people in power. Maybe because we could not define ourselves with the way the rabbi defined us. Maybe because we're used to veering between rigor mortis and decay at the same time. Many explanations as to why.

But I've always seen fear as a strong reason. And humans are creatures who are capable of feeling fear. A person can't live on their own. Humans are a social creature. Without others, one would easily suffer and die. That is why humans strife to be accepted by others. And to be accepted, one must have some things in common. To be different is to be rejected. And humans fear living in isolation. So, they strife to be in common, and reject those who are different, defiant. Persecution lies in the extreme. This is Order.

However, every single human is a unique creature. They will never be the same. And this uniqueness in itself is a seed of defiant. Of difference. And everyone knows in their hearts that it is true. So, whenever a person sees a defiant, they are reminded that he or she is also capable of becoming that defiant. As in the first example, they let the defiant go. And if carried to the extreme, order ceased to exist, and Chaos reigned.

The 'abnormal rabbi' who stroke the perfect balance, he himself was a contradiction. This calm man, who easily forgives, could also show rage and anger. But then again, it is a human thing to contradict. And that is why we're perfect. Because we are not...perfect.

An Ode to Women

She calls me on a Friday afternoon, asks me to come and meet her and my friend at a coffee shop downtown. She doesn't ask how I am doing, eventhough it has been quite some time since I last saw her. But it doesn't matter. She just saved me from a very boring Friday night. I thank her so very much for that.

I arrive at the coffee shop in the late Friday afternoon. The crowd is light, and the atmosphere is laid back. As I walk in, I catch her tall, slim figure in the corner of my eye. Distracted, I walk to the counter.

She is at the counter. She asks me what I would like to order. She is quite slender, dark-skinned, with large eyes, an oval face and medium long hair tied in a bun. She is wearing a black t-shirt, a pair of black pants and a green apron.I look her in the eyes and tell her what I would like to have. I pay for the order and she asks whether I would like to have something to eat. Again, I look at her in the eys, smile, and say no thank you. I could see a smile forming in the corner of her mouth, shyly.

I sit at the sofa seat next to the windows, near the entrance. The setting sun warms my face. The chatter of light conversations fill the air. A soft music is playing in the background. It is perfect.

She is sitting at the corner table. Her slender figure looks relaxed on the sofa. Her long, dark-brown hair is pulled back and tied at the back. Her skin is of a light tone. Her face is oval, her eyelashes long, her eyes round and her smile wide. Her make up is just right. She is wearing a white t-shirt, a blue cotton vest and a pair of jeans. On her hands is a paperback. She seems immersed in it. At some point she notices that I am looking. She doesn't seem to mind. It's good enough for me. I know she notices me too.
I wonder why she is sitting there all alone. Is there a man in her life. What kind of book is she reading. Is she as intelligent as her gestures indicate her to be. A beauty who reads book is a rare thing. One in a while I catch her glancing at me. She has strong, brave eyes.

She arrives later. As I suspected. My friend is blocking the sun, that is how I know they're here. He stares at me and when I realize it he smiles. He is outside the window and signals that he'll be out there in the smoking section with her to talk to a client. I'll be waiting, I signalled.
I catch glimpses of her through the patterns adorning the window. Her eyes are wide and she is wearing eyeshadow, as always. She always puts on heavy make up. Her hair is short and brown. Her lipstick red and her lips are full. She is wearing a light-brown vest and a dark-brown, knee-length skirt. She looks exclusive. The client and his male friends got their eyes on her. She is the kind of girl that could turn heads. I could only smile.

The sun is setting. The warmth is almost gone.

She caught my attention. She is with one of the client's friends. She is wearing a red sweater and a pair of jeans. She has a very nice smile. An innocent kind of smile and an innocent, eager pair of eyes. She doesn't put on a make up. Natural. Her hair is shoulder length. I catch her glancing at me through the window when my friend walks in and greets me. As always, it is good enough for me.

She arrives later in her yellow uniform and a pair of light-brown pants. She tells us the story of how she got there on the back of a motorcycle. The road is indeed dangerous. She is talkative. Her round face is full of bright expression and very lively. Together, I, the women and my friend enjoy the Friday evening.

Women, you are a lovely creature. But I am not to have you. At least for now. You have all made my Friday. Thank you. This is my ode to you.

A Lost Zodiac God

It's Been Awhile, Hasn't It?

I'm right here. Sitting in my room. Listening to the music sung by the dead.

So how do I begin?

So many passing thoughts have crossed my mind. So many events, boring and exciting, have passed through my life. So many minutes have passed by. So many hours, so many days, so many weeks. Ah, how time passes by.

And yes, I'm here. Right here. Again. I've always been right here.

Holy scriptures, I've written so many. Done in the hope that somehow I could crystalize this fleeting life. Done in the hope that somehow it would provide a grip with which I could hold on to my memories, the bitter ones, and the sweet ones. Done in the hope that if memory fails, these journals would help me catch a glimpse of a past. A past long gone.

Catching up is never easy. Little details that got lost along the way, I could never put here. Lost in the obscurity of the world and the mind.

However, I will do my best. My best, according to my own terms. My best, in my own opinion.

Will you listen? Will you listen, so that somehow the memories will stay eternal not only in this holy book, but also in your mind? For it is part of immortality, remembrance.

So, remember me if you will. Make me immortal on your whim. My redemption is in your hands. I crave your attention, I crave your worship.

For it is you who contribute to my eternal. My immortality.

You are my salvation.