I Hate That Woman!!!!

Pretty strong words eh, but that was the way it was. The woman S came to campus today while I was browsing away in the computer lab. I could hear her voice, that distinct lousy voice of hers. I felt a strong urge to disappear, like a chameleon shrouding itself with the color of its environment, to disappeat that instance *puff* just like that into thin air. I didn't look, I didn't try to see her, I pretend not to hear her, pretend that she was not there, as if by pretending she would really not be there.

After awhile I didn't hear her voice. The coast was clear. And I could let out a sigh of relieve.

Didn't know that she would dare try callin' me again. I was enjoying a movie with my bro at home. Then my cellphone rang, it was her. I answered with a cold 'hello'. She asked how I was doing, said I was fine (until you called, that is). How was your thesis? I'm still trying to figure out a topic (and you're not helping by calling me). Oh okay, I'm working right now, just got a job. That's good for you (so busy yourself with your job and stop pestering me). How bout you, wanna find a job? No, I think I wanna concentrate on my thesis (and hope that I won't end up in the same office where you're working, wherever that is). Oh okay, well talk to you later. Yeah, later (and hopefully much MUCH later).

And that was the end of it.

Or so I thought.

I was checking the internet out, enjoying music on my winamp when the cellphone rang again. It was her, again. Hello, watcha doin' right now? I'm in front of my computer (and trying to pretend as if I'm not talking to you) Hope I'm not bothering you? No, you're not (actually, you are, but I ain't got the heart to tell you that). Silence. Hey, I saw you at the campus today. Oh, you did? (I know you're there, woman, but I ain't gonna tell ya that I heard you, that'll be too good for ya). Yeah, I did, but I didn't have the courage to say hi to you, just afraid that you're still angry bout me bout that time. Are you? No, I'm not (I wasn't, until you started calling me again). Silence. Hey, I'm having difficulty on my thesis, please help me out. How? I myself haven't even come up on what I want to write, I can't help you out (And don't you even think I'll be wanting to see you again). Hey, I need your help, are you goint to the campus tomorrow? No, I don't think I'll be going tomorrow (coz I know you're going there). Oh, I really need your help. Are you free tomorrow? Would you like to go to the campus so we could meet up? No, I don't think I wanna go to the campus (knowing that you wanna go there). Oh, okay, I see. Well then see ya. See ya (hope not...)

I know forgiveness is best, but I just couldn't forgive her.

Could you forgive a girl who you hardly knew, who tried resting her head on your lap all of a sudden, trying to feel comfortable, saying to me that she does this to all the men she knew (yeah, right, like I believe that), saying that she could read my mind, telling me that she read my mind and said that I like her. Telling me that I'm still childish, telling me that she knew that by resting her head on my lap. Telling me that she was just testing me by resting her head on my lap. Telling me that I had an interest on her because everytime she mentioned her ex-boyfriend I always asked bout how he was (while all that time I asked because I was just trying to be nice and trying to make the conversation enjoyable). Telling me that she was always in my mind (good thing she was wrong on that, I was actually thinking bout one of my ex).

And to make it worse, I almost believe what she was saying. Coz she had made me believe that she could read mind. I still don't know bout whether that was true (though right now I highly doubt it), but all I know is that I DON'T LIKE BEING TOYED AROUND!!!

She was trying to use the method of persuasion. Good thing I wasn't stupid enough to fall for it.

DAMN!!!

I FELT LIKE SUCH A FOOL!!!!

WOMAN, I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME THAT I'M STILL CHILDISH, COZ I AM!!!! I DON'T MIND YOU TELLING ME THAT, BUT DON'T TOY WITH ME WHILE YOU WERE SAYING THAT!!! DON'T FOOL ME BY MAKING YOU LOOK AS IF YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME!!!

SHEEEYIIITTTTT

That's for now. Now if you'll excuse me, I wanna put a pillow over my head and scream out loud.



AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

The Blind Assassin

Damn, I woke up late again today. It's already 9 o'clock, the car along with the driver had been whisked away by Mom to go to her office today. All alone at home, and I had to go to the campus today to take care of matters concerning who's the lecturer who would be in charge of assisting my final paper (the previous one said he was too busy to take care of me and my friends). Oh well, looked like I would be going by myself. Went online, checked my mail, had breakfast, took a bath, and after saying good-bye to my sleeping-beauty brother (and it's 11 already, he's still sleeping) I went by taxi to my campus.

When I got to the campus I checked my handphone, there's a message there that said 'SIM card registration failed.' Shit, I gotta turn it off and on again to fix it. Gotta bad feelin' bout this, and I was right. A message came in saying that a friend of mine whom I was going to meet me at the campus cancelled. The message should've arrived earlier if it weren't for the SIM card failure thingy. Looks like I would be left alone in campus without my class buddies. Swell...

Oh well, might as well go to the lab, went online to kaskus, friendster, blogger and some gaming sites, at the same time reading a book concerning my thesis and wait for the academic person in charge of thesis to notify who's going to take over from the previous lecturer.

Ding dong, one o'clock. Went to academic, asked, and got what I came for. The lecturer would be here every weekend starting July. I could submit a proposal right now and the academic people would have it sent to Jogja. That's great, at least we won't be left in the dark concerning final paper assistance. I notified my friends who were in the same boat with me concerning this matter.

Well, back to browsing. Don't feel like reading my thesis book right now, statistics all over it. Prolly I should find other easier-to-understand books. I'd rather continue reading my Blind Assassin novel. The story's started to pick up some pace.

I really, really wanna be a novelist.

"Your BMW is your trademark"

Went to Hot Planet for lunch today, together with my campus friends. I remembered that night when Kopaja (Komedi Paling Jahil, a reality show aired on RCTI where people make fun of people) made fun of the head waiter there by pretending to have a fight, and at that time me and my friend was sitting next to them. If I hadn't notice the hidden handy-cams on tables around us, me and my friend would've joined the fight.

I had calamari for lunch (squid was always my fave). My friends had ice cream and chicken cordon bleu. I broke the news that I was once again single (I hadn't told them at before) and would remain that way for awhile (or at least I wouldn't try to chase any girl), but then again who would be able to predict the future?

Tried going to TA, but traffic jam was everywhere, so we decided against it and went back to campus. There was a rumour that the lecturer that was assigned to me and a friend of mine to assist our thesis would be releasing his responsibility and transfer us to another lecturer. My friend and I decided to take the first step in deciding who that lecturer will be, so we talked to the lecturer (who happened to be there at that time) and asked whether he would be willing to assist us. He said it was okay as long as the administration people are okay. And turned out that they are okay with that. We planned to settle the whole administration stuff tomorrow.

T asked me to accompany him to a photo studio. He wanted to collect the photos he got processed. After that, as usual everytime I went out with him, he asked me to accompany him to PS. We went around. He got to meet a couple of his friends (the guy goes around and has a lot of friends and acquaintances) and I got to refresh my eyes with the views there (ya know, all those ladies walking around in that place).

On the way back T said he wanted to eat together with another friend of his, so we picked him up. On the way he said something about buying a Honda Jazz (there was one went pass our car). I said to him that he wouldn't look 'right' in a Honda Jazz. Probably I've known him too long, and all those time, everytime I went out with him it was always with his BMW. So I said that BMW was his trademark. He just laughed and said that probably it was true.

Had nasi uduk for (late) dinner. Mr. T dropped me home. That's all for today, I guess. Tomorrow's going to be another day and I would be losing another day to Time. Better seize it.

Back At The Campus Again

Yeah, it's me back at the campus again. With three of my friends, all of them girls (at least this brightens up the day a bit). Well, at least I'm still consoled with the fact that 2 of them haven't got any topic for their thesis (and so do I).

Still trying to find out what VaR is all about. I think I'm gonna borrow the book at the library (if my library card hasn't expired yet that is, haven't been using it for awhile).

I think I'm beginning to develop a sickness called 'gondongan' here. It's when your neck started to swell as if you're having a small baby inside it. Hope it's not gonna be bad. It's a contagious disease, a disease that's suppose to happen to small children. But unfortunately for me, I haven't got the disease. So the chances of my getting it is quite big. So does my brother. My servant at home got it first, and looks like I'm next. I'm starting to fell some strange sensation inside my neck. Well, gotta drink more vitamins, I guess.

I felt like a stranger in my campus, as if I don't belong there. It's a good thing I have 3 of my friends here. They're all there are that anchors me to this place. The other people are strangers, people who came after me. I didn't know them.

Well, that's all I could say for now. Updates later.

Amazing how a simple message from a friend could turn one's day 180 degrees. From a so-so day to a panick-mode day. Ha ha ha, guess I really should get started again on my thesis before my colleagues leave me in the dust.

So, what else is happening today? Not much, I guess. Decided against putting my trip to Singapore in writing. Better reserve them in my memory. It might not last that long, but it just seemed appropriate that way.

Or maybe I will put them in writing, just not now.

Lately there are times when I panicked. Panicked because of realizing that my age is about a quarter of a century, and realizing that I'm not that young no more. Realizing that there's a lot of things that I haven't done, and that my body is starting to feel it's age. I'm beginning to think that I won't live forever, unlike teenagers these days that think that they are immortal. There are times when I really envy them.

They say that youth is in the heart. But right now I feel old.

It's probably just boredom eating up on me.

I need to go out. I need to do something. Probably start on my thesis (which I'm very reluctant to do). But at least I'll be doing something. I'm tired of all this schooling. Wanna start doing something REAL.

There's a favorite paragraph from a novel I'm reading right now. It goes like this:

'O lente, lente currite noctis equi!'

Run slowly, slowly horses of the night. It's from Ovid (whatever that is, if someone knows about Ovid, tell me). The horses of the night pull Time's chariot. Time's with his mistress. It means Time wants the night to stretch out, so he can spend more time with his mistress.

I wish I was Time, with his chariot and horses of the night, so that I could command my horses of the night to run slowly, making me able to spend more time with my mistress.

My mistress is my youth. How much I want to savour the last strength of my youth before it fades away and gives in to the years ahead.

Youth is in the heart...
I would very much want to believe that.

(Written on April 11th 2004)

Everything was well again in the castle. The queen's wrath had been subdued. And the prince had handled it without any bloodletting.

Thank God for the miracle of the telephone (Alexander Graham Bell, wherever you are, thank you so much).

In a higher state of consciousness, I wish that there was where I was right now. But I wasn't there. I was in a web network called Kaskus. But I could make the place my higher state of consciousness, if I prefer it. If I will it. Alas, my will had not been itself lately. My will had lost its strength. No more yearning to live, no more ambitions in life. I have probably arrived at that point where doing anything more in life doesn't mean anything anymore.

Hopefully not, I'm too young to feel such a thing.

But then again, what was the point of attaining more in this life when one realizes that ashes to ashes and dust to dust really means ashes to ashes and dust to dust? When somehow, in one's heart, one knows that in the end, it won't matter.

So, what does matter in life.

All I could think right now was my friend's villa in Puncak, a beautiful getaway from the busy life of a metropolitan city that is Jakarta. Front door made of glass, if one wakes up in the morning if one sleeps in the living room, one would find a magnificent, open view of the mountain in the distance. I yearn to return there. I yearn to trek the hiking track. I yearn to just sit at the tea plantation and drink in the view of the mountain in front of me. Some people have their addiction. Alcohol, tobacco, drugs. Mine is my eyes and ears. For the view around me, be it beautiful or utterly evil and shattered, is the one that got me addicted. God forbid that I would one day lose my eyesight. And music, how could one explain music? It's one of the greates addiction in life.

Once, a long time ago, it was said that life began with a song.

But for me right now, there was no frequency, no amplitude. Just a flat line. I'm dead, and I'm waiting to be resurected. To become alive again. To vibrate again. To sing again and drink the view that is abound all around me.

Well, that's it for now.

(Written on Monday, April 10th 2004)

Tried putting into words my memories of my trip to Singapore 2 weeks ago. I really did have lots of fun there, and I've released my stress there. But all those little details (that I amazingly still could remember up until today: the immigration officers, the color of the sea, the cable cars, the hotel employees, the XBox Live exhibition outside Takashimaya) crowded my mind and the effort of putting these memories into words became futile. For those memories made me want to just sit back (or lie down) and remember (and relish) them in my head instead of on a computer screen.

Mom's having one of those bouts of angers again today. She's been sick these past three days. Fever. Couldn't blame her if she was a bit edgy today. Tried calming her down, didn't work (she always was a stubbornheaded person) and so I just went somewhere else where I wouldn't be able to hear her incessant grumbling. I don't want to talk about the details. They're not worth mentioning.

I've been reading The Blind Assassin since yesterday. The story was a bit boring at the beginning, but things picked up around a quarter of the book. I've finished reading 3 books last week. It's amazing, I've never been so fast before. And those books have around 300-400 pages each.

Haven't found the will inside to start my thesis. Probably I'll go to campus tomorrow and sift through the library collection to find some inspiration. Though I doubt it'll come tomorrow. Still, I need to finish my thesis quickly, so any ideas are welcomed.

My life's been so empty lately. Having a girlfriend didn't help that fact. That's probably why the relationship was so short. Lately, there were times when I frequently thought about the emptiness in my life. In the past I would've thought that probably being in a relationship would remedy it. But lately that thought rarely went pass my mind. Right now, to me relationship is synonymous to demands, disappointments, craziness, unfulfilled expectations, imprisonment, and all sort of things that really could make me feel like I'm about to suffer brain hemmorhage.

Hmmm, I need to do some bungee jumps (never done this in the past though, but I'm sure it'll help my fear of height)

Well, that's it for now.

(Written on Monday, May 10th 2004)